Religions Courses are NOT MANDATORY in Ontario's Catholic Schools

Post type: Short Excerpt

I will make this post short as it exists purely for information that many parents might not be aware of, and of course, my own opinion.

• Ontario's Catholic Schools are funded by public taxpayers money
• In Toronto in particular, publicly funding the singular Catholic faith backed education system and not funding say, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, etc. (forgive me if I missed your religion) does not seem to make sense.
• Irony of ironies, Quebec in 1997 abolished the Catholic and public systems and instead took on the French-speaking and English-speaking school systems
• Parents send their children to Catholic schools mostly for these reasons:  fuller, better educational resources, smaller classes, closer to home, more homogeneous, safe surrounding of peers, and sometimes the spiritual teachings and character lessons.
• The massive hoard of unemployed teachers cannot seek employment in the Catholic School Boards without showing proof of "involvement" (pastor's reference) in Catholic church (i.e. at least you attend masses, or you are somehow related to a Catholic church and knows the pastor well, I suppose), i.e. 2/3 of Ontario's Teachers cannot seek employment in 1/3 of Ontario's Schools - other than being Catholic, they have the same qualification on everything else.
• In a survey done in 1997, 79% of voters were in support of a single public system in Ontario. However, nothing has been done, really, as of today.
• A merging of the two school systems saves $1 billion in Ontario per year, who is only running at a deficit of 10.5 billion dollars in the 2013-2014 year.
• In Ontario, to attend a Catholic school from Kindergarten to Grade 8 will require at least one parent be baptised Catholic (or the children attending be baptised Catholic).
• In the high school level in Ontario, any students can attend Catholic schools

...And here's what I'd like to make clear to parents who are choosing Catholic schools for those aforementioned reason, and happens to have the misunderstanding that religion courses are mandatory as part of attending the school - THEY ARE NOT 

The Education Act of Ontario clearly states the following:

42 (13)  ...no person who...attends a secondary school operated by a
Roman Catholic board shall be required to take part in any program or

course of study in religious education on written application to the

Board of the parent or guardian of the person.

A website is made to inform parents of this: http://www.myexemption.com

In fact, any religious activities are not mandatory either. Now, with that extra course slot a year, maybe your kid can take that food&nutrition course or astronomy or travel&tourism course they've always had their wonderous keen eyes on.

So, parents, please do exploit all resources available to you and ripe the most out of what you can with what is available at your fingertips. You are paying the tax, use it!

Here is a case where a Brampton father has been granted his right to withdraw his children from religious activities while they are enrolled in a Catholic School.

We should all try to make happen an excellent single publicly funded school system in Ontario rather than having elitist, segregationist, regressive, Catholic School System hoarders who imagines themselves levitating in the sky on public taxpayers' money while preaching the "correct" morals of Catholic teaching stand on our heads and wield freedom and human rights in their favour.

Collecting Thoughts - What Happened to My Single-Minded Pursuit of My Dream Career?

Post Type: Short Excerpt

Since this post marks my 50th post, I will write something thorough about myself.

In short - I have been in a quarter life crisis as I began to feel uncertain about my single-minded pursuit of being a high school teacher.

This term probably set a record for the number of introspective, depressive talks I have had with some close friends. Often times, I find many of us struggling to find a career that is fulfilling, their life's calling, uses their strengths, and they can tolerate, pride-wise. If you had met me back in grade 11, you would've thought Tappy was a lucky kid who knew exactly what she wanted that satisfied all of the above, she knew she wanted to be a high school teacher since she was some teenager. So what the hell happened?

Passion, drive, do things for the world, big dreams. All the teenage words that are so naive in front of reality - and no I am not talking about financial reality, I am an only child and I have my parents' financial backing for as long as I need to.

They were hit down somewhat by some reality that I have observed through my past experiences.

Lessons from mentors:
Maybe it was meant to be that life gives youngsters like me, who had a skewed, surreally optimistic view of the world a dose of reality.

My enthusiasm has definitely dampened through my various teaching experiences, with mediocre influences from some of my mentors. The reality that these established professionals give out:

The teaching profession - it's just another job. It's not a ground where dreams flourish and the best teacher can change the world. For many people, it's a job that is somewhat repetitive, requires increasingly less effort, and gives them time to pursue something else they enjoy with a lot of spare time. Want power? climb the darker administrative, political ladder.

Hypocrisy - I think this is prevalent in all of us as human beings. Many people are unhappy with themselves that they are sometimes hypocrites. Certainly this exists in the teaching, teachers say one thing, and outside of the jobs they act another way. They present to student how open-minded and accepting of others they themselves are. Yet their true personalities and actions do not tell the same story.

Arrogance: An exaggerated, unsatisfied ego - As I said in my previous post, I have had some mentors who seem to be in it to show-off, to gain self-gratification about being helpful, and/or think that they hold grander potential that were not exercised in the job, and always needing to find an audience to express how smart they are to fill up some unsatisfied ego.

Happiness + Upbeat = Ignorance - This is sadly the truth of a good amount of the happy people I know. I think they are wonderful people, so nice and kind and it's so much fun being around them. But in-tuneness with the fast-moving industry? Scope of knowledge? Career advice? Emotional empathy? A little harder to get out of them.

Dunning-Kruger Syndrome - I am so terrified of happily trapped in a small bubble that I stop growing - stop challenging myself. I stop researching real-world information, I lose touch with the real world, because I am in a position of authority, security and ultimately, telling things to young people, that I lose the desire to remain connected to the ever-improving reality and stop improving. I start to feel proud, and stop feeling my own diminuitiveness.

You may say that maybe I'm just not meeting the right people.

But there were good things too.

I have definitely met mentors that were like the sun to me. Bright, wise, and lights up my world instantaneously. Their kindness and optimism is enduring in my life, despite sometimes the hopes gets brought down by sequences of less fortunate events to follow almost immediately.

Ultimately, if I were to summarize these great mentors, they all had humility.

Humility - They know their limitations, because they have earned their current lifestyle not through given but through hardwork. Most of the best mentors have endeavoured other things in their life, or are currently in the pursuit of a passion in life. Some of them struggled through multiple facets of life, some of them were academic scholars previously, and knows the limitations of their intelligence, some are actively engaged in a competitive sport, some were previous industry professionals so they've seen the big world and knows its treachery and our limitations as people. In fact, most of these people who have great humility were those who have achieved great heights in their previous professional pursuits. They've seen a bigger world, with huge talents and competition, and had come to terms and found inner peace within themselves. As a result, they've become humble, and accepting, of others' mistakes, because they have had those experiences. These people are perceptive and observant. They see the world with an open-mind and do not let vacuous pride rush over their head.

It is no wonder these people are kinder people and wiser teachers.

How do I become an effective mentor to future students, if I am too ignorant to empathize with their experiences? How can someone not be ignorant if they are not perceptive? How can I tell my students with proper life wisdom if I have not pushed myself to the limit of my intellectual boundary before? How can someone be accepting of all if their world was filled with a small homogeneous collection of desirable things?

My experiences and my world have been so small, almost confined. Therefore I don't think of myself as a qualified teacher, to be giving academic and more importantly, life lessons to young people who are soaking up knowledge like sponge.

Thus I became unsure of my career choice - because I feel unqualified, and have nothing to offer.

So what must I do - don't start until I am completely ready and have experienced sufficient amount of things in my life that I feel I can make a substantial contribution? When is "completely ready"? In fact, should there even be a date of "completely ready" if I follow the philosophy of learning continuum that I so deeply believe?

Just when is "wise enough"? and how wise is wise enough?

I am not sure, and I don't know when I will be sure again. (Yes when I was young and naive I was secure and confident, and that died with knowledge)

But I have not stopped searching for answers.

Teaching Profession - Latent 'God Complex' a Driving Force?

Post type: Short Excerpt

Thought I should do a little bit of writing while in the midst of massive load of homework and midterms to clear my thoughts and regulate my study habits.

Last year in psych 101 I was exposed to the idea of Dunning-Kruger Syndrome, which is essentially, Einstein's famous quote that ego is inversely proportional to knowledge.

Certainly, there are many [materialistic] reasons to choose teaching as a profession - abundant time for family, time to explore one's hobby, job security, summers off, good benefits (at least in Canada), etc. But ultimately, sometimes there are people that give reason for choosing the profession is "passionate about teaching", and "wanting to help people", or at least use these reasons to cast the materialistic benefits that tagged along with the profession - and ironically, it's often these "passionate" teachers that give off a self-obsessed, god-like, show-off-ness.

But come on, who doesn't like power?

As an aside, institutions love power. (See my previous post about my struggle with co-op)

In fact, I think because I was so immature and ignorant at grade 10, I was not aware of my intrinsic god complex obsession. Looking back, I can almost guarantee that the driving force for my single-minded devotion to the profession is my latent god complex.

I am generally a lazy person, yet I daydream of achievements, but often falling short of them, and thus I hate myself. But this anger and dissatisfaction with myself has definitely given me a more sympathetic eye for my surroundings.

The desire to feel like a god, and have a powerful influence and control in some way over other people's lives can be such a strong motivational factor. I have met people who work very hard, excel at school or other aspects of life, but that through their actions, they echo the god-complex so loudly that being around them makes me unable to hear other things.

I love to help people, it feels great to have helped someone. It makes me feel like a god.

But just how entitled are we to help someone, if the motivation behind "helping someone", is to gain personal satisfaction of one's sense of power? 

This has been my core moral dilemma in the last 2 years when I started to question my choice of profession. I began to question whether it's right to be "helpful" from my own point of view.

I began to think that having a self-entitled god-complex is so wrong that it's shameful. So I stopped taking on leadership roles in extracurricular activities, started taking a diminished presence, and sank into a deep identity-moratorium (identity crisis) phrase.

Maybe it's because I have met [too many] teachers that were my mentors but gave off this god-complex feel, and that presence echoed so hard with my own inner demon that I've tried so hard to hide. You know those teachers that give off the feel of "lookit me, I am so smart, and I want all your attention"? It was as if they are in the profession because it's easier to show off their greatness - and certainly they are great in their field of expertise - to a more vulnerable group of people, and that they are obsessed with being god in front of these people.

Also not to mention jadedness - personal opinions after occasions of testing that seemed to be correct (by seemingly empirical evidence) is naturally taken as a fact.

Wouldn't these teacher, given how capable they [want to express themselves] are, be better off and find greater satisfaction in a career that challenged their intellectual capability more than a profession where they gain satisfaction by showing-off-in-front-of-kids-and-colleagues? Don't they feel vacuous in the long rum?

Looking at myself, am I really morally correct to be in the profession in the first place? I don't think that my motivation factor is any better than people who are in the profession because of the pension or holidays or the ability to get-paid-well-to-slack-off.

And going back to the Dunning-Kruger Syndrome, is it because I am too much of an underachiever, that I have been lazily content with what I have, when I have really, seen nothing yet, that I have this god-complex?

But even as I hide and coward it so much because I am so ashamed of my inner god-complex, I still cannot seem to focus to find a way to get rid of this desire, and straighten my vision so that my root motivation for being a leader in the classroom do not include an artificially improved sense of self-ego.

Just exactly how can I become a truly genuine teacher who is there because I love young people, and I want to be part of their lives as they are part of mine, MINUS the intrinisic show-off desire?

How do I kill a part that is a part of me?

If someone has a cure, I would love to buy it off you, and maybe I'll spread the word to my teacher-gods.

My story and suggestions with University of Waterloo's co-op job system

Post type: Short Excerpt

Note that this is a neutral post. It does not contain my opinion, just a state of factual information.

Unfortunately I will be removing the writing on my website off (at least for now), and turn it in to a real personal website. But I will give a non-biased summary of my journey through the last week here, and since I have gone fairly far into testing the elasticity of the system, if anyone needs advice in the future and whatnot, feel free to look here.

My story in point form:

• I applied to jobs on the first round through The System
• I also applied to some university bound computer science based teaching role jobs
• I wasn't sure if I wanted the job and I wasn't sure where I was headed for this co-op term
• I'd made up my mind that I want to go into industry after some reflection and learning about the tech world in the first month and a half of first round of The System
• When rankings came out, I only got ranked
• I ranked all the teaching related jobs a lowest factor of 9, it was not on my mind that I could possibly get matched
• I got matched
• I asked the employer if I could be out and explained my situation. The employer was understanding to let me go
• I told the The System, The System would not let me go
• I first talked to The System Mediator on the phone, nothing would change
• The  Mediator reported up to a Relations Person, and together they gave me 2 options
• Take the job and get the co-op credit
• Renege the job and lose the co-op credit, and no The System access for next round anyway
•  I asked them why are there no other options and claim that it isn't fair given my situation
• They suggested I start policy 70 - petition or grievance, but I must first choose one of the 2 options.
• At first they wrote me an email about policy 70 and questioned if I still think our meeting is necessary
• I asked that we should talk about why these are the only options
• They've agreed to talk with me, the Relations Person and The Mediator
• I wrote them a rationale as to why I ask to be released from the match and put back on The System
• They read the rationale
• At the meeting they refused that I have a special situation that alleviates me anymore consideration
• Their reason was that there's a policy to follow and I must follow policy
• So I took the matched job - the end

 My situation:

• I am a 5th year teaching program student
• I added computer science as a major in 4th year
• I only have a total of 4 co-op terms
• The first co-op term was in year 1
• The middle 2 co-op terms were obligated to be in teaching
• I also went to teacher's college in the middle of my undergrad (more teaching, so I've accumulated a good deal of teaching experience)
• The last co-op term is the only term I am free to do anything
• The last co-op term is my first time looking for a job in the industry, first time using The System
• In another word, a first year student's worth of experience, in a fifth year's timeline
• New to the tech circle (resume, tech interviews, etc.), I had to learn everything in the first month and a half
• I went though 2 years of schooling hoping I could get industry experience from this co-op term
• My employer was understanding and willing to release me from the first surprise match

I was not special. Neither will most of you. So I've definitely learned many lessons this last month and a half,  and of those, the most important ones I've learned are that:

• For big name tech jobs, interviewers generally contact you outside of The System
• To be unreliant on the mercy of external, one themselves must be strong
• Common sense and humanity is worthless compared to power and policy
• There are strategies to everything, including how to make things work, honesty and head-on reasoning doesn't always work in the real world
• When job hunting, don't hang yourself dead on one tree, use all resources available to you
• Think optimistically, but never give up trying, if you don't try, you are always in the same place

How to make things work - my suggestions for future students who use The System:

• Know that regardless of how special you *think* you are, once you are matched, it is *near* impossible to get out of a match (in fact I want to say it is impossible, but if anyone has had extraneous cases you are welcome to refute me)
• The key to get out of a ranked job that you don't want? Don't get matched. How?
• If you are sure you don't want the job, tell your interviewer at the interview that you don't want it, achieve a mutual agreement between yourself and your employer so they would quietly not rank you. If you have a *strong enough* reason you can also try to sign it off at The System Hub, immediately after your interview, this is best.
• Under the table rule: If you are unsure after the interview, as we all have our uncertainties, remember that you can email your recruiter/interviewer anytime before matching, if you know their contact info, and ask them very nicely to remove the ranking for you, bypassing The System
• Under the table rule: Employers can still get rid of offers/rankings anytime before matching even after rankings come out (there might be some catch to this though I think)
• The System is changing to The New System starting next term, I'm not sure that would work (I know that you get 1 free no-rank for the entire term where you can choose not to rank the employer), but the above two statements generally hold, at least for jobs in the tech world
• In some faculties with 6 co-op terms, you can petition to graduate with 4 co-op terms (I don't know if this will always work), so if you have enough background and you think you can get a job externally after a matching that is unfitting for you, you can tell your Mediator that you want to refute the job, have a seriously reason - it's up to you to find a serious reason.
• OR you can just not say anything, quietly accept the match, and look for a job externally, and 'jump the ship' when you find an external job, then you will have reneged on the match.
• If you renege a match, The System can only suggest to your faculty that you lose the co-op credit, but it is up to your faculty to decide if you lose the credit or not, at which point you will deal with your faculty instead of The System (which could be good or bad).
• If you renege a match, you can no longer use The System to look for a job for that term.
• The System is not rational, but your employers are, "employers are generally on the students' side" - The System told me this today, so you know what to do :) 
• The under the table rules, use at your own risk - don't piss off your employer for good karma, and they might also divulge you to The System that you didn't want the job and contacted them outside of it (you'll be fucked), you need to achieve some discreet mutual understanding between yourself and employer.
• The System generally abides by the employer, regardless of what The System might tell you in the name of policy and fairness (If you want proof, ask about people's stories whose employers have gave The System the 'finger', and The System takes a step back)
• If you become a strong duckling, you don't have to rely on The System, and can be in charge of your own life, especially if you are in tech sector. But if you are weak like me, you better go along with it.

I hope my lesson for the first and last time can be helpful and light the way for some people (usually first years run into this problem), so they get the most return out of their experience. After all, time is ours, and choices are also ours. We do pay The System to guide us, but that might not always happen, so don't go head-on, figure out a strategy. Some secrets of the trade, all the best in your job hunt :) and stay strong!

Changing Paths

Post Type: Short Excerpt

I thought of this while there was a mess up in my supposed interview and I'm being rescheduled, adding another layer of uncertainty.

I'm working head-on trying to change my destiny the last couple weeks (months) - and believe me friends, if you are an innately shy person, lacks courage, and have not been accumulating at an early time, and stubborn. Yes, stubborn that you don't want to give up what you've been accumulating for all these years, because you are stubborn that it defines you, and that hoping others would appreciate your similar values. So you hold onto them, unwilling to give up. And suddenly you are doing all these things together all at once, but unable to maintain focus on anything, except for the current thing that's boggling your mind - change your destiny.

It is very hard to turn your life's path to another direction.

But it's not impossible.

This is the first time I've come to the Grace Hopper Conference. Almost all students that came here are in some sort of computer science/electrical engineering related discipline.

I spent a good amount of time last night networking with the recruiters, leeching on-site interviews, trying to get recommendations from them to Waterloo recruiters. And a large part of today will be spent on that as well.

My reasons - it is hard for me to stand out as a candidate in the flooding Jobmine with HR people where every one my seniority has had 2n[+-1] number of co-op work experiences in IT, and I have had none; but if I am offered an interview, I can at least hope to impress.

But I will not remove any of my past teaching experience from my resume. I am too old. I am stubborn. Even my LinkedIn profile screams "teaching, education, teaching". I refuse to change.

"If only teaching was not such an unprestigious career."

"It's sad, I know, I was going to be a teacher, but now I'm a software engineer."

"My dad was a teacher, and he was so smart and so qualified... but there was no appreciation."

Shame. I understand this feel all too well, as some people who have chatted to me about teaching these past two days.

I believe that if I do try hard enough and want it badly enough. I will end up a decent job in the IT industry and open up a new blue sky. The industry is shiny, fancy, and is a real world. There are lots of opportunities to grow in the future, climb the corporate ladder, and eventually meet an almost-too-real world, not indulged in the joy and safe bubble of classroom and academia. It's calling me, and so tempting, I can almost taste it.

But I am not trying hard enough. The reason - I am uncertain and I am afraid. My own indeterminism holds me back. I am uncertain if I want to change. The harder I think, the more frustrated I get.

I am afraid I am not smart enough. I am afraid that if I try to strive for things that I have to work for, that if I am challenged, intellectually, I will fail miserably and get flushed down the toilet like leftover porridge.

I am angry at myself - the initial love I had for teaching people, "show-off", be a clown in front of students, laugh with young people, do my share of care for the world, feel good about being needed by people. I still have that, very much.

But even before I set on the path to be a teacher many years ago in my teens, I have had the hesitation that "teaching is a looked down upon career". It did not help that in my upbringing, my parents often tell me that "it's nice for a girl to be a teacher", in my practicum, others saying that "if I did not do it for the love of it, with this much education, I could etc etc." My classmates/friends who were academically adept choosing alternative careers. "High school? You don't want to teach university?" And of course, in my workplaces in schools where my innate curiosity and direness to learn often felt under-appreciated - it's childish, I am immature. And people were too busy, or too judgmental, to pay attention to my needs, or scares me off that I swallow what I want to say, respectively.

Is it that people who strive to be teachers are superficial snobs and underachievers? So they can feel good about their ego in front of a more vulnerable group of people - their students. How ironic that in a profession where jadedness, underachievement should be undermined just happens to be the defining characteristic.

An under-appreciation for my intelligence. Not just school smarts, but also my curiosity, perceptiveness, and empathy/people smarts.

Under appreciation sure takes a big bite out of our so-vulnerable dignity, doesn't it?

And my lack of satisfaction with my achievement and over exaggerated ego has led me to a vacuous lack of self-esteem.

Secretly I am grinning and snickering happily at the possibility of being a teaching assistant for one of my favourite undergraduate courses for my next co-op term. I am day dreaming of spending my last term happily doing my favourite thing, teaching, showing off, talking to people, underachieving, staying in the comfort zone, and living in the cozy, familiar -40 degrees winter in Waterloo, Ontario.

But my own hand just slapped my own face.

It's 30 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm off to the conference, see you all soon!

Stupid idiotic Varkeys GEMS survey of 21 countries and their respect for teachers

Post Type: Short Excerpt

This survey and some new paper - even theguardian.com 's interpretation for why China ranked highest is COMPLETE BULL CRAP. They don't know anything about China.

This is what I, an insider in China's society and education system have to say.

I have read some reports outlining which countries respect teachers the most, and one line said "only in China, teachers are compared on the same tier with doctors."

From theguardian.com the explanation was Asian societies revere teachers traditionally - PLEASE YOU IGNORANT WESTERNERS STOP BULLSHITTING - if there is no MONEY in becoming a teacher, the current citizens' moral level in China would not give a bird for teachers.

THAT IS BECAUSE DOCTORS ARE HELD LOWLY (compared to the west) in the current China's society where there's no credibility and not a properly regulated health care and medical system-and the way for doctors to make "enough" money is prescribe unnecessary drug, examinations, lie to the public, which they get returns in forms of "bribery" from corporate or pharmaceutical companies, and these require connections and "people" skills. EVERYTHING LOOKS TOWARDS MONEY and Chinese teachers MAKE DAMN GOOD MONEY because of all the extra outside of school studies classes due to the exam-based, solely-academic merit based structure of the education system - EDUCATION IS CHINESE PARENTS' BIGGEST INDUSTRY! And the article said China is the only country where almost 50% of the parents would encourage their kids to become teachers (compared to second best England at 25%) - WELL NO SHIT! AND PLEASE SHUT UP YOU DUMB WESTERN REPORTERS - If China abolished the education emphasis placed on pure exam and sole academic smartness (especially in smartness in the mathematics and sciences) and adopted your pseudo-capitalist "everyone wins" ideals, teaching profession would go down the shit hole in a matter of days.

In fact-if you had asked a Chinese parent would you rather your kid be a teacher in China, or dig their way through connections into becoming a stable government public sector (other than teaching) employee (which so often in the North American free market some people despise for the lethargy and bureaucracy), see what your responses are!

See The Guardian's article here: http://www.theguardian.com/teacher-network/teacher-blog/2013/oct/03/teacher-respect-status-global-survey

The full result is in an article from the HuffingtonPost: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/03/countries-respect-teacher_n_4032354.html

On Efficiency and Anti-efficiency of Teaching Observing

Post Type: Short Excerpt

Briefly spiraling a little bit out of my collection of depressive blogs, I want to briefly note on something I've reflected on through my practicum and teaching terms.

So I am a very curious monkey. I can't seem to get rid of that innate personality trait.

But I'm finding it hypocritical that although as teachers we promote and encourage curiosity in our students, that as a colleague to fellow teachers, sometimes, curiosity to learn and ask questions is taken with the attitude as "inexperienced" and "childish".

I guess once the teaching job's landed, time to separate the life philosophy from job philosophy, eh.

As an example is the idea of observing other teachers' classes for learning purposes.


I've read that in Finland, supposedly the best education system in the world, that in addition to teachers being the top achievers in their undergraduate/graduate programs, they also undergo extensive observation and mentorship from seasoned teachers frequently.

But in Canada, once you step out of the "student teacher" role, there are practically no opportunities to observe other teachers' teachings. It's just not part of the natural understanding of the profession.

Because I love to observe and run around to different classes (not just math, English, ESL, geography, sciences etc.) I have had teachers tell me that it's wonderful that I want to learn and to observe as much as possible because for them, even if they want to observe there's not that much opportunities to.

I have learned so much from observing other teachers. Often times, there's that moment of epiphany that sparks in your mind "oh I've never thought of it that way before."

But now, if I, suppose I've gotten a job, and I ask one other teacher (who is supposedly on the same "level" as me now), "hey Mr.ABC, I'm not teaching Period 3, may I observe a couple classes of yours see how you teach topic XYZ?" I would not be surprised if I received a blank stare and the other teacher thinks of me as an exotic, surreal creature.

In fact that is what I would expect. 

I think from my perception of the profession, especially in some office-politics heavy/mainstream Canadian public schools, an already teaching teacher asking a fellow, equal teacher to observe in order to learn (or out of curiosity for that matter), is a big taboo.

Why is that? Because in Canada we protect what's called "professional human rights". As a result, other teachers can feel offended and self-conscious in front of another teacher, because they are being judged.

But then the above becomes over-sensitively taken as the common understanding - if a teacher observes another teacher not from a student teacher's perspective, it often brings tension and a judgmental tone to the classroom.

So let's make that a "no-no" part of the professional "soft-rule".

While the scenario can totally be taken with another spin - yes in a way the observing teacher is "judging" the performing teacher. This is easily a mutually helpful learning experience. The observing teacher learns and takes note of techniques, while the performing teacher receives feedback given from another teacher with similar experience (and for that matter, equivalent knowledge).

It's simple as that.

In fact I have heard stories from my fellow teaching friends that some teachers would not even allow student teachers to observe their classrooms (or never takes on student teachers because they've had bad experiences, which, in someways this is understandable). And I really cannot understand this for the life of me - why would you deny the chance to be helpful to someone in need of it?

But a profession culture, especially in a bureaucratic public sector melting pot, has rock solid resistance. Couple that with people's defensive nature of their own personal boundaries and general government employment culture which inadvertently exaggerates that, this soft-rule looks like an impasse that will not be penetrated in the foreseeable future.

Given two sides of the spectrum, I'm not really sure if there's a correct answer to this. I do know for sure though is that when I become a supervising teacher to student teachers, I would give them a lot of opportunity to experiment, and make an effort to value every bit of their opinion.

And I would never say "no" to a fellow teacher asking to observe my class - to be appreciated by your own kind, for me, that is an immense honour.

I wonder if Finland's teachers would think of our teacher observing teacher taboo as exotic and surreal.

Writing out Imagination - My New Tool for Mental Meditation

Post Type: short excerpt, list
 
If my audience does not wish to read my brain vomit, scroll down to the bottom for the list on writing out your imagination, do productive things, and improve your sense of self.

Dear blog. Almost all my past writings have been "short excerpts", and in short, they are not short.

I have not stopped hating myself. But having been in stagnation for sometime in my depressive state of mind, I'm slowly tempering with my mind to gain some control back.

Due to my out of control thoughts and imagination that parallels and often overtakes reality, I have been unable to focus for a large part of my life. When I was younger, my level of maturity is lower than my peers and my parents were oblivious to mental developments, so no one had given me guidance to control my natural mental complexity. Recently, after several deep reflection sessions, I've decided to try to face and embrace my outrageously imaginative mind, instead of cowarding away and hating myself, trying to desperately control its existence.

This involved me "degenerating", in a way, to my old passion for imagining stories, writing, and drawing. I have "quit" anime-like story imagining and drawing for several years, when I became self-aware and started having identify-confusion, self-hatred, and insecurity issues because my often daydreamed expectation does not level with reality. i.e. I'm always falling short of my own expectations, and cannot be happy and proud of myself to live in the moment.

It was always as if there's a ball of fire, or some mixed, strong, oozing substance that is longing in my chest that cannot be spilled. I could not find a deep satisfaction and exhaustion in almost anything.

Here's where my new tactic, explicitly writing down excerpts of my imagination into stories has helped.

I am lazy and have no longevity. There is no doubt about it. Except I can be intensely focused on something at hand that I am extremely passionate about, that I will ignore anything and everything surrounding me.

And through the last 10 years, the only passion that have always lasted and resided beside me is my wandering imagination for writing stories. But because I was lazy and have no perseverance, no stories of mine turned into fruition, because when I'm not at an inspired moment, I would not think of other parts of the story that did not result in my mental happiness and satisfaction.

But starting recently (the last 2 months or so), I've taken to embrace my story writing, and I write down any passage that comes to mind that I feel passionate about at the immediate moment.

From doing that, I can see the resulting change in my mental happiness. For example, short moments ago, I would be in a deep infinite loop of personality confusion and moral struggle. But as soon as I think of an imaginative story of a possible event that could take place that makes me happy, my state of mind starts to think of the utopian world I've imagined as reality, and thus results in a higher happiness level. This has always been a cure for me before (in fact I lived in my imaginative utopian storied world for a good amount of my life), but I have never taken the initiative to explicitly express them through word. Mostly because I was lazy. So these temporary happiness later turned into anguish and I was angry that I have such a "good story" but they have not turned to materialistic things (for the world to see).

I hate myself so much for my laziness and lack of obstacle-overcoming drive. Plus, I am able to do things, and only things, that I'm passionate about. I have pushed myself, once in a while, to write things down, and go through them in an organized, story-telling way, even editing them as if they are my literary creation at a later time.

As the good folk rule goes, if one is kept busy, they have no time for depression. I find that to be quite true.

So now instead of being ashamed of my imaginations and daydreams and thinking of them as off task, which often leads to struggling with myself to get back on task and change, which in turn causes me to waste more time and not do anything (biting finger nail for 8 hours a day, for example), I've come to embrace and face the fact that I am someone who has very little self-control and organization, and that I must do something I have passion for.

This way, I'm not just having a whirlwind of thoughts circling in my head and just thinking and not doing. Despite it is off task from what I should be doing, at least I am doing something - and the thought of that makes me happy. 

This has helped in my deteriorating mental health (mostly as a result of my own self-hatred of my habits and moral questioning). For when I am writing, I am fully absorbed in my utopian imaginative world (and I'm proud to be absorbed this way), and I feel the satisfaction of having finally overcome my laziness and lack of self-control and focus - even though they maybe temporary and fleeting.

By embracing what I truly am and what I can do, instead of hating them, I have come to hate less of myself, and other people. I suppose that is always a healthy sign.

Here's the list of steps (both mental and physical) that I do to improve my state of mind:

1. Often times, especially recently, due to various life uncertainties, my mind spirals into a bottomless hole of depression. I think many people have experienced this at some point in their life.

2. I used to imagine things that inspire me, such as encounters with people I'm secretly obsessed with, or funny things, or turning my current moral question into a story with characters I created. They make me happy temporarily, but because they are just thoughts, there's no "production", their value soon dwindles.

3. Now I still do number 2. But instead of just thinking, I write any excerpt possible down. In a word document, google docs, text editor.

4. I actively try to improve my literary ability, pretending I am writing a published work (I might publish one day, I'll never know :P ), and use that to organize my imagination together into legible stories.

5. As a result of the writing process, there are 2 outcomes: 1. I've used my time to make something tangible - so I'm not as guilty; 2. My thoughts are being collected and organized, and pushing myself to improve literacy is a form of overcoming struggle - a quality I am trying to inculcate in myself.

6. I go back and edit them, if I feel like it, as if they really are legitimate stories. I know a lot of people don't like reading their own mind barf as they feel ashamed or guilty at looking at their own mental image. (It's like you think you are incredibly appearance-wise unappealing, and you keep pushing yourself to look yourself in the mirror) Sometimes this frustrates me, but if I let the frustration run for a while, after a while I will be calm.

7. The argument is, if I am unable to make tangible work (which needs not just initiative, but also perseverance), even on things that I have passion for, then I am truly a failure of life who is a guilty human being, a product of laziness.

8. Process number 2 will always happen naturally. I push myself to do number 3. Number 6&7 I do to overcome things that I hate about myself.

9. When my imagination is no longer trapped and let out in this way, I feel better about myself and the fireball in my chest becomes smaller.

10. It all comes down to embracing your own identity. People in our generation often have mental instability issues due to stress related insecurity (reality falling short of expectation, too much/too little choices, unable to let-go). When that happens, STOP THINKING & DO SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY. Tell yourself enough number of times that you are great the way you are, and that you are happy, then you will be sufficiently happy.

11. Less thinking, more doing. Deflate your ego & be truly humble - just do, and don't expect much.

P.S. When I get some writing stuff together eventually I will "publish" them on the internet :)

On Friends

Post Type: Short Excerpt

Another 3 months since my previous blog. I felt compelled to write again after this wonderfully fun trip for CUMC at the beautiful capital Ottawa has left me a mother load of missed classes (not a big deal) and assignments-big deal- to catch up on.

I cannot express how familiar I felt when I came back and Michelle and Bobby were just carrying on with the usual day's joker routine, trying to make dinner, as I came in the door, no surprise, nor jumpy hug nor even a greeting almost. I cannot say I did not miss this very much. “YO 哥们回来啦" as Bobby carried on to be busy getting his stuff out of my room from leeching off the condo in the last couple days having springed his ankle after Canada Day.

I had UI due at 12... I was about 40% done and working on the next 15% at the time that I came back home at 5:30- in the middle there's rehearsal with the ICE groups-btw I love my ICE group, our personalities click really well-at 7:30pm.

I spent the last 2 nights of the trip, not being productive at all, just emo-ing away because largely of the upcoming UI assignment was due, as someone has said once - more time stressing than actually doing. Having had so much trouble with the previous assignment, I was hesitant to even find the courage to start this one, yes I have no talent at coding and cannot code to save my life.

CUMC was a lot of fun, I met some pretty cool kids from UT, and bonded deeper with many others from Waterloo, despite some of their individual egos (yes math people have a lot of ego...depending on the kind of person), people are still open to sharing fun times with others.

There were also a lot of other delegates, many from other universities, that were very social. Like, Waterloo Arts/Laurier type social - very mainstream, and confident. The kind of people that the little 屌丝 (loser) like I instinctively shy away from.

Having had a lot of fun hanging out the first two days, since I was a little psychotic in the last 2 days, I did not hangout, instead I spent sometime doing not much, picking my fingers and staring at the laptop. I really wished I'd gone with the hangout guys after the boat trip to downtown and later apparently really beautiful sightseeing until 3am. And on the way back on the bus, I was zombieing the entire way, I should've played "contact" with them too, if I could let my mind go and convince myself that the real amount of time it took me to finish rest of UI was 2 hours of focused work.

Yes I am anti-social. Kind of. I am definitely anti-social if you compare socialness to the Canadian mainstream social. I also find that I am even more anti-social when it comes to successful people, intelligent and mainstream social. I am completely out of that circle. Circle of life haters it is then. Partying and going out with people and social is definitely fun, but I've questioned if my naive idea of "friends" and "friendship" still fits the definition of confident, high-class socialness.

In a casual conversation, my roommate mentioned that a mutual person we know seem to know everybody. I thought of that too, I guess I know a lot of people too. But what does it mean to know a lot of people?

I definitely have a lot of acquintances - with my unconventional personality and the way I talk - people probably see me as a show sometimes. But do I have a lot of friends? No. Definitely not. So often I cannot find people to go out and do something as simple as having dinner, or go exercise, or anything. People don't usually take me seriously, as I generally have a diminished charisma and actually genuinely likes to avoid center of attention and is actually an innate introvert. I am also, as aforementioned, hypersensitive in mainstream social situations - social anxiety disorder. So when mainstream hangout chances are presented, I happen to subconsciously fear and push myself away from them.

I am definitely not someone who has a lot of friends. I am too uninteresting and introverted, self-conscious and judgemental for that. But I wonder if I really need to have a lot of friends to feel successful and confident. I have made, maybe 3 new friends or something in my entire undergrad.

But I do have very close friends. I value the friendship that is like a family connection, the friendship understood in the uttermost Eastern culture tradition - friends are family outside of the family. And suddenly I think that maybe it's much easier to have great people to hangout with and have a great time together; and it's not necessarily harder to have people that will stand by your side and comfort you when you are undergoing a bad time and going through struggles.

It is hard to have people who will always bug you, each moment of your life, so naturally, as if they've melted into your life when you are living the most usual, unexciting days. Whether it be having a great time together, or having the mother of all catastrophies, or simply living each day, they happen to be there, and you can call upon them any time anywhere, because they become what defines a part of you. I think this kind of connection to build with people that are not your immediate family, is hard to come by. The Eastern traditional definition of mutual dependence.

 I don't think it's hard to find a group of 'friends' to go on a European trip together. It's hard to find a group of friends who will shamelessly shovel the responsibility out loud to someone else without thinking, but eventually ends up fussingly clean up dishes and scrape the BBQ and pack the leftover food after every tiresome day on a Euro trip.

Like a multi-way marriage that has stretched on and on. To my extended family, I will be loyal to you forever.

MacBook Air Speaker Crackling Fix

Post Type: Short Excerpt

Hi all, I bought my MacBook Air during boxing week at end of year 2013. Not after long, I noticed that if I don't shut it down and restart, when I play (most) Youtube videos, the speakers start to crackle very frequently through an entire video.

After some scouting around the internet, I found many people say it's the keyboard rattling. Which was not, in my case at least.

As someone who just spent 20 hours this weekend on Youtube watching violin + Chinese folksong related videos, here is the fix I found online that worked for me.

Use Firefox.

Using both Chrome and Safari gives the speaker buzz for some reason. But if you use Firefox, it fixes that problem. I've been playing Youtube videos on Firefox almost non-stop for about 12 hours now. (And I did NOT restart my computer after my speakers started crackling when I was playing video off Chrome since last night)

If you have the same problem give it a try. 

And, of course if it doesn't work for you. Then the one that definitely works for me is :

And restart, again, if it starts crackling again in a couple hours. Sigh.

The First Winter to Explore

Post Type: Picture Book

As having mentioned many times in my past blogs about my lack of consistency and routine and perseverance, also I'd forgotten to mention that I have not had the organizational skills, courage nor wit to go out and venture something seriously on my own ever. It always seemed everything that was going on revolved around slouching at home, most of the times mindlessly doing nothing, parents hovering over there and not there, never having thought what real "freedom to do" meant, what it meant for myself to dare go out and decide that I'm going to go on a trip by myself or with friends today, or really, do anything that was broadly out of reach that was not the usual butt-sitting-at-home usual thing that Asian kids did.

I remember the first time I took a fingernail size of freedom was I decided to buy online on the internet on Ebay, a Yoshi and Egg, without someone nodding a yes and given permission.

Well, I've taken on a new term this winter. I was a self-conscious kid growing up, afraid of people judging me when I went into Sportchek, as I did not do any sport in particular nor am I in general athletic. I've wondered if people will think that only the athletic and sports-jocks are deserving to be going to sports apparel stores and buying athletic apparels because they actually do and deserves (and knows how to) use them.

You know that mentality? when you certainly think that one should not do nor show at all because they are not good and can't do.

For me that cowardice was especially apparent in my desire to be athletic but too untalented, but almost exclusively due to laziness and lacking in consistency to actually be.

An identity crisis, almost. That when they point to me I could not associate myself with anything that has been a life long doing and my area of expertise.

I remember back in high school I have no idea how to dress trendily, I was always in a Adidas Sweatshirt or a Nike zip-up hoodie and running pants every school day. I did not mean to dress sportily, the truth was that I was introduced to the store called Winners in grade 9 which sells brandname quality stuff at an affordable price, and I find sport-ish style clothing comfortable, and I don't know how to dress without looking like a short third-world hobo before that.

But I remember the certain mentality that I had at that time, that sprung forward to me in a sudden, that what if people simply commented sometime that "Tappy always dresses in sports clothing", "oh but she's not that good in gym class" - my most confidence (having none) crushing fear.

Now to give myself a pat on the back, I've taken on a little more dab of freedom this year. From going on 2 first-ever (heh heh dunno if that makes sense) friends-only trips, to Algonquin and to Mont Tremblant. I've also gotten myself into the hobby/sport of skiing. =D

Above features my loot this winter! I felt the power and freedom to drive myself to the local ski hill (skiing at discount of course) whenever I wanted because I felt like skiing and improving.

I've skied as a luxury school trip back in grade 7 at Barrie (pretty sure it was Horseshoe before, but don't think it is now, I think it might've been Snow Valley). I went to Glen Eden ($20 on weekdays), Chicopee ($10 March Break), Tremblant (Costco rental package, at the time I didn't have my own skis), Horseshoe Valley ($29 night ski, $39 cross-country rental + ski, $20 Tubing), and Brimacombe (Oshawa, they have weekdays $22 in March but I went on a weekend, so more expensive) this year. That's a lot of ski hills (for me) to explore in two month =D.

I've always found skiing fun, but for me it was like "golf" kind of luxury sport that only rich people did, and for people like me I felt it was a luxury showoff. I was surprised at how "casual sport" it can actually be!

Skiing for me was a very technical, skill-learning, almost gymnastics like - DDR LIKE! Kind of "acrobatic" sport, which I really enjoy. And knowing how to ski (and convincing myself that I learnt to ski pretty fast) has really boosted my self-esteem a lot, and maybe, it's one of the things that's helping me gain real self-esteem!

(A skiing video of me, courtesy of Jason, is coming up right here featuring me at Chicopee-I've improved more beyond that)

At the start of Winter, I could not properly fit a skiboot, and took break every 40 seconds going down bunny-level/green hill. As of my last ski this year before Cuba, I can ski a black diamond safely now!

Like Sportchek's motto, be active, and it truly makes me feel better, in the mind, confidence and happiness-wise, more than anything. Be gone, pretentious pride! Leap forth, confidence and freedom!

The Lonely Only Child

Post type: Short Excerpt

Been 5 weeks since I last posted.

Getting accustomed to Port Hope environment, the school TCS, and the cool roommates and colleagues. I'm now just waiting for spring to come so the campus and town starts to look green and nice and I can actually go for walks around the town, when I'm not worked to death until 10:00pm at night.

I had tried to stay in Port Hope for a weekend, but most of that weekend was spent on sleeping through or trying to get the front door open because the snow has accumulated to my knees, and since my roommates had all gone home, it was boring to say the least.

They say if you want to be great, you have to be able to stand being lonely. Not lonely in the essence that you are literally left with nothing to do- but that you are occupied and so busy with matters that you have no time to lament for loneliness.

So what do you call people when they have stuff that needs to be done, yet they are procrastinating not doing them and instead mourns about how lonely they feel and how emptily their time has gone by?

Losers I guess.

I can't remember a time in my childhood when I learned about discipline and commitment. My parents were alternating being away for schooling growing up, until we came to Canada when I was 10.

Remembering back, I had always been sporadically playing, when dad was home and felt like taking me and cousin (friends) to the park to swim or frolic in the snow. Sometimes, when we get McDonald's coupons, and shortly before expiration, dad would bike me to McDonald's and those were great, exciting times. There were many times of unplanned excitement, but there was not a routined commitment to do something together, whether it be study related, fun, or sport.

Persistence. Something I did not learn in my childhood.

Desire for attention. Something I hardcore captured in my childhood. I crave for friends to play with.

My friend Wenzhi and her dad goes to play badminton every Saturday, almost regardless of anything. And coming to think of that, I sort of envy the kind of time of togetherness. My parents would never have the organization and spirit and commitment for this kind of activity.

When I was small, I lived at my buddy Suizhun's family, and almost every night, the family would go out for walks and/or come back for a time of short family card game/board game-something else my family would never have-routine.

Security. I wondered if this is how a child learns to be secure and loving, from the consistent action and support of their parents and surroundings.

Oblivion. My mother is an extremely oblivious human being, not necessarily in a bad way. But she is always in her own world, an impenetrable wall formed from lack-of-thought and lack-of-attention-to-detail. I tell her this, she does not understand.

Stubborn. My father is your typical secluded, stubborn North-Eastern Chinese man, whose resistance to change and judgement for the outside world is so strong that nothing will make him rethink possibly living a more organized, healthy/active, and get into a community lifestyle.

I'm often told that I treat people well, and moreover, I treat people outside of my family better than I do family, and that I am easily dragged around by anyone who will play with me.

It's true. Because my family had not made an effort to give me what I need, emotional understanding and security. But rather, from hanging out with friends and the times of joy that I crave so hard for, I have gotten these. No wonder I make every effort I can so there's people to play with me. So that I'm not lonely. Sounds kind of pathetic doesn't it.

Not all only child crave for attention in this way.

This is your typical NEGLECTED only child syndrome.

Therefore, one thing I do know when I have children, I will make effort to spend quality time with them and let them know that I am always here when they need someone-not just physically and financially, but more so, emotionally.

My avoidant personality is long formed, and really, no one is to blame for that. To back it up with optimism, I must take what I have and make the most out of it - I need diligence, persistence, ambition, vision, and unstoppable drive for success, in many aspects of my future.

Hence the best things I can do now to not feel lonely, is occupy up my time with things that I need to do-work stuff, mathematics, exercise, playing games, write some code, playing instrument, think about potential projects, and take joy in doing them, and grow and learn from them.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. I hope that you take much pleasure in having a racey and fulfilling year like the racing horse.

Moving In

Post Type: Short Excerpt, Picture Book

Moving-in.

"Moving-in" has always been a rather lurkingly murky concept to me. What does it mean to move myself AND my belongings to somewhere? Does it mean that it is temporary? Or does it mean that I'm trying to make a home out of a new place?

As is with many pampered Asian kids who never went more than 2 hours driving distance (aka southern Ontario) outside of their HOME, I have a very hard time understanding the concept of home. Just exactly what and where is home? Home, is it somewhere that I am staying at the moment trying to make the most out of life, or is there an "eternal" home where say, my parents and my childhood belongings lie that I will always return to?

Land so vast and empty. A bedroom community of Toronto, some people call it-where people simply live in the neighbourhood but work elsewhere with the local prosperity winding and dying to only the basic necessity to serve its residence. Having spent numerous fall terms in university being squashed off the morning transit, I have desired hecticness-the hecticeness of overpopulation and students, so much in a very long time.

I don't remember feeling lonely for a very long time. But gazing out my 100 year old building residence window into the blue lake Ontario, suddenly I feel almost lonely. I wondered if there was public transit in this town. It turns out there was, 2 routes.

Hostility too. I came to Trinity College School in Port Hope alone, without knowing anyone (except for  my teaching option friend Thomas but he lives in another building). We get almost the entire "house" they call it to ourselves-4 young woman I think. I want to get to know them and go out and chat more beyond the meet and greet. But my instinctive sub-mainstream conversation skills and the terror of stepping outside of the circle of familiarity is making my stomach feel rather uneasy about approaching.

I will keep my door open in an attempt to lure some roommates who are less terrified of confrontations to come in.

Today, PD day was cancelled due to the treacherous walking ground condition-filled with ice and water underneath, like a shallow icy pond. You could slip & fall through the thin ice any minute and sit your butt in a puddle of frozen water.

I used to make fun of myself and this place called Port Hope when I tell people I'm going to the middle of nowhere and laugh it off, never really taking the concept to heart. Now with no students, it feels like I'm living in a ghost county with old English style buildings, with no adequate room light and the occasional train passing by.

The cafeteria is also not open. The 250 boarding students are not back until tomorrow. I will have to think of some way to get dinner since I have packed none.

Which brings me to the philosophical question of move in. Most of those who know me knows that I travel light (yes guys I travel lighter than most of you). But for the first time I wondered if I almost travel too light.

I never really knew what I was missing when I moved-in until I hit this vast empty room of mine. And suddenly it seemed that I am missing everything. I did not bring a mug, a water boiler, only one small suitcase (the carry-on type)'s worth of clothing and my electronics, backpack and my basic washroom utensils. Usually in this kind of situation I'm tempted to go out to a supermarket and grab some (thus all the redundant stuff I have, piled and piled high and deep somewhere at home), but it seems that supermarket is a rather alienating concept here as well.

I'm too accustomed to having a "home": a piece of property for dwelling for which I may freely enter and exit, everywhere I go. Even the time when I went to Kingston, it felt like I was going to a home, just in a different place, because Laura and Clara were there, and we were living at a home-the messy & disorganized but also generous and loving Mary-Lou's home.


I'm frequently in the delusion of "this place is temporary for now", or "oh it's not that far from home", or "there's lots of students like me let's go explore together". But suddenly, now with both my mind and spirit and body in the middle of nowhere, it seems that this time I really am all alone.

I unpacked everything before I opened my laptop, for I know that once it's evil is at works, my room will be left as it is when I moved in 4 month from now. I finally have freedom, and time, all that I need to pursue the things I wanted to get done during some time, I used to think. But nothing else. And now I'm hungry.

And dinner is still nowhere near sight. Maslow's pyramid of basic needs is starting to undermine my higher desires. I must find food.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Ooo, update, I now has talk a good bit with the roommates =D

** Update #2, Port Hope's downtown is the celebrated country's best preserved 19th century downtown- too bad it's stinking cold winter otherwise perfect for exploration.

***Most important update #3, as per info from roommate-the school runs a school bus to Whitby so I can just GO train back to Sauga <3 how lovely. 

****Update #4, the roommates brought pizza O.O so so very kind of them to give me a whole half pizza. I am now so full =] best day of my life.

2013 Reflections

Post type: picture book, short excerpt, list

Hey hey! My exams have ended, my ski trip has ended, neither of which I have written a blog post about. I'll probably posthumously write about the ski trip. Exams there were really nothing much to write about, since now that they are done I've lost my drive to get engaged in a studying routine again.

But now 2013 has come to an end, this is definitely something worth writing about.

Here's a picture of my very mature grown up 22 year old selfie in the washroom

The rabbits are enjoying the lie down time in anticipation of the new year, awwwww

ANNNND today you ride TTC for free! Woohoo gonna go see the new years count down for realzzzz with ma parents!  ... FML DAD DIDN'T WANT TO GO AND MAKE UP ALL KINDS OF EXCUSES NOT TO GO SO WE WENT TO THE ONE IN MISSISSAUGA SQUARE ONE INSTEAD =____=, although it's still the first time we've gone out in New Year's Eve ^0^

Anyways here's my 2013 in review (kk trying to finish this before I start looking for my mother's extra clothing to see the count down cuz it's cold came back from the outdoors new year count down and I continue to write ):

Biggest boxing day buy:

Tis ma new toy, yayyyyy she is sleek and beautiful and so fun to use and she costs $989. Totally worth the deal this year considering any decent ultrabook is around the 800-1100 range.

Greatest life-changing event:

Probably would give the crown to taking PSYCH 101 with Professor Richard Ennis for this one. Most useful, engaging course I've ever taken in my undergrad. Fantastic, was engaged every minute of the lectures, first time I read (almost) all the required readings, ever! Learned so much and enjoyed the course so much that it's made me want to change program/do a second degree in psychology and biology. Well, we'll see after I finish this degree and move back to Mississauga/GTA region if I can do a part time degree at UTM or something while supply teaching and teaching night school, summer school, online courses & online tutoring etc.

Runner up for this would be my 3 week Atlanta student "observation" teaching trip. Fantastic city with fantastic people at a fantastic school. Met some great people. Really changed my outlook on open-mindedness and future teaching and job and lifestyle prospects. 

Fondest Memory:

I would say this one goes to our Algonquin trip with Chelsea, Roy and Jason. We stayed at Bellwood Inn B&B just 5 minutes outside of the Algonquin west gate. In the middle, we saw some sunset into the sea of forest, canoed and (wanted to) fishing before one of our canoes turned over haha, then we took lovely trips to Pembrooke, and did some horseback riding walking up the mountains on the way back (with some great tasty ice cream), and lastly took our really sweet break at Huntsville and finished off with a delicious dinner at 半亩园 in Markham. The perfect blend of saving-spending, hangout, exercise, disaster and excitement. 

Runner up is probably the Mont Tremblant Ski Trip we took last week-the mountain, the landscape and the Chateau we stayed at, all so amazing. Ok, this category is really hard to decide which one was more fun. The trips are all so much fun. In fact whenever money is spent wisely with sweet people it's a lot of fun.

Now that we've said some happy stuff, no year ends nor a new year starts without some disappointments, because disequilibrium that come from not meeting expectations give you the drive to go on and strive to achieve more.

Biggest disappointment:

Hmmm silly as it may sound, my biggest disappointment wrapping up 2013 is probably still not having found a suitable potential mate. (Oh man I sound like some mammal) My parents agree too. But it's true, I'm 22, and as my beloved psychology has said, we all have the biological disposition that comes naturally in our life, which is the need to reproduce and pass on our genes, which comes with the desire to find a mating partner. I'm kind of primitive I guess you can say, in that way, wanting to have a lot of children and all, but I think it's something that humans like us at our prime of youth and fertility, especially females, whose reproduction is strongly selective, start to prioritize in their lives. 

I mean Jason is a nice kid, but not the kind of kid for me, since he really is a KID and I need someone with whom I build a little more empathy and mental connection with. So in 2014, I'm gonna keep looking for a potential boy who is hopefully sympathetic to my problems, healthy, kind and honest. And if he's interested in math or education in any way, then that's a bonus. 

Now here comes the list part, my 2013 timeline:

• Jan: 
• Queen's Options Job fair, met some people from Maple Leaf Education systems as well as the people from Kativik School Board in Nunavik and more. All possible future career prospects.
• Had a fantastic weekend visiting dear Lisa in Montreal & McGill Uni. I really like the inter-building tunnel in their downtown.
• Feb: 
• Last practicum at KCI with Mr. Papoustis in communication tech, Ms.Murray in math, 
• "Breaks up" with Jason.
• Ski at Glen Eden with Jason and Eula
• My Samsung Galaxy Nexus battery charge board broke, sent in for repairs
• Went to NODA- a North America orientation organizing committee weekend learning workshop in Guelph Humber.
• March:
• Went to Atlanta International School in Atlanta, GA, US for Alternative Practicum, stayed with Deedee DeLorme, a grade 4 teacher at AIS. 
• Toured around Atlanta such as the world's biggest Aquarium and CNN and Coca Cola World
• April: 
• Finished Teacher's College.
• Said my learning and professional education goal in a spirit circle in my Aboriginal Educations class.
• May:
• Class start at UW
• Job interviews with a lot of new found confidence and knowledge having came back from teacher's college.
• Gets job Jan-Apr 2014 at Trinity College.
• Contemplates life and its uncertainties for the rest of the summer.
• Played in Instrumental Chamber Ensemble with Laura and Connie. Frank Bridge the 4 miniature suites.
• June:
• Played intramural beach volleyball and soccer with friends in TSA, first summer I got active with these guys and got involved in team sports. 
• Gets banned from OSAP for 2 years, until 2015. Stupid OSAP.
• Roommates convocate.
• July:
• Final ICE concert at Conrad Grebel, dressed up as minions as per Laura's suggestion
• History of Math has been a great, inspirational experience with professor Steve Furino. So glad I took the course. Enthralled by his teaching.
• "Breaks up" with Jason for the second time. But break ups never work it seems. 
• Went to see Fiddler on the Roof at Stratford with Jason, visited UW Stratford campus.
• August:
• Algonquin trip with Chelsea, Roy and Jason. So much fun.
• Fails a course for the first time in undergrad. Did not care at all. 
• September: 
• Fall term starts, new found stability and mental security.
• Gets fired from being FOC.
• Condo Lawyer's repeated disturbance and letters, deals with condominium management.
• Starts teaching Jason violin.
• October:
• More dealing with condominium lawyer
• Went to Oktoberfest at Bingeman's for the first time with the 1003's. Got the cheap Techtoberfest tickets.
• Operating Systems is a lot of work, but code parties with group mates were a lot of fun.
• November:
• Condo after "household pipe cleaning inspection" declared not in violation of declaration, case closed.
• Term comes to an end, only course I skipped heavily was Algorithms and it was because the teachers were so bad.
• AFM Grad ball, same old AFM.
• MC'd for Math Charity Ball, lots of fun.
• December:
• Completely fell in love with psychology after taking the course and doing the readings.
• New study regimen: get up in the morning, move to the living room, sit my ass on the chair in front of the computer on the dinner table and not move for 12 hours even if I am not studying during those time at all. Seems to be helpful.
• Ski trip with Chelsea, Roy, Bobbie, and Jason to Tremblant, again so much fun to wrap up an exciting year.

New Year's Resolution:

• Have a enjoyable and meaningful time working at Trinity College
• Always excited for school - keep studying for the sake of studying and learning, since it's so much fun
• Keep looking for a potential mate
• Think about future career prospects in more detail, attend educational events and conferences and expand my knowledge, make professional connections
• Find time for cello playing and drawing