On Friends

Post Type: Short Excerpt

Another 3 months since my previous blog. I felt compelled to write again after this wonderfully fun trip for CUMC at the beautiful capital Ottawa has left me a mother load of missed classes (not a big deal) and assignments-big deal- to catch up on.

I cannot express how familiar I felt when I came back and Michelle and Bobby were just carrying on with the usual day's joker routine, trying to make dinner, as I came in the door, no surprise, nor jumpy hug nor even a greeting almost. I cannot say I did not miss this very much. “YO 哥们回来啦" as Bobby carried on to be busy getting his stuff out of my room from leeching off the condo in the last couple days having springed his ankle after Canada Day.

I had UI due at 12... I was about 40% done and working on the next 15% at the time that I came back home at 5:30- in the middle there's rehearsal with the ICE groups-btw I love my ICE group, our personalities click really well-at 7:30pm.

I spent the last 2 nights of the trip, not being productive at all, just emo-ing away because largely of the upcoming UI assignment was due, as someone has said once - more time stressing than actually doing. Having had so much trouble with the previous assignment, I was hesitant to even find the courage to start this one, yes I have no talent at coding and cannot code to save my life.

CUMC was a lot of fun, I met some pretty cool kids from UT, and bonded deeper with many others from Waterloo, despite some of their individual egos (yes math people have a lot of ego...depending on the kind of person), people are still open to sharing fun times with others.

There were also a lot of other delegates, many from other universities, that were very social. Like, Waterloo Arts/Laurier type social - very mainstream, and confident. The kind of people that the little 屌丝 (loser) like I instinctively shy away from.

Having had a lot of fun hanging out the first two days, since I was a little psychotic in the last 2 days, I did not hangout, instead I spent sometime doing not much, picking my fingers and staring at the laptop. I really wished I'd gone with the hangout guys after the boat trip to downtown and later apparently really beautiful sightseeing until 3am. And on the way back on the bus, I was zombieing the entire way, I should've played "contact" with them too, if I could let my mind go and convince myself that the real amount of time it took me to finish rest of UI was 2 hours of focused work.

Yes I am anti-social. Kind of. I am definitely anti-social if you compare socialness to the Canadian mainstream social. I also find that I am even more anti-social when it comes to successful people, intelligent and mainstream social. I am completely out of that circle. Circle of life haters it is then. Partying and going out with people and social is definitely fun, but I've questioned if my naive idea of "friends" and "friendship" still fits the definition of confident, high-class socialness.

In a casual conversation, my roommate mentioned that a mutual person we know seem to know everybody. I thought of that too, I guess I know a lot of people too. But what does it mean to know a lot of people?

I definitely have a lot of acquintances - with my unconventional personality and the way I talk - people probably see me as a show sometimes. But do I have a lot of friends? No. Definitely not. So often I cannot find people to go out and do something as simple as having dinner, or go exercise, or anything. People don't usually take me seriously, as I generally have a diminished charisma and actually genuinely likes to avoid center of attention and is actually an innate introvert. I am also, as aforementioned, hypersensitive in mainstream social situations - social anxiety disorder. So when mainstream hangout chances are presented, I happen to subconsciously fear and push myself away from them.

I am definitely not someone who has a lot of friends. I am too uninteresting and introverted, self-conscious and judgemental for that. But I wonder if I really need to have a lot of friends to feel successful and confident. I have made, maybe 3 new friends or something in my entire undergrad.

But I do have very close friends. I value the friendship that is like a family connection, the friendship understood in the uttermost Eastern culture tradition - friends are family outside of the family. And suddenly I think that maybe it's much easier to have great people to hangout with and have a great time together; and it's not necessarily harder to have people that will stand by your side and comfort you when you are undergoing a bad time and going through struggles.

It is hard to have people who will always bug you, each moment of your life, so naturally, as if they've melted into your life when you are living the most usual, unexciting days. Whether it be having a great time together, or having the mother of all catastrophies, or simply living each day, they happen to be there, and you can call upon them any time anywhere, because they become what defines a part of you. I think this kind of connection to build with people that are not your immediate family, is hard to come by. The Eastern traditional definition of mutual dependence.

 I don't think it's hard to find a group of 'friends' to go on a European trip together. It's hard to find a group of friends who will shamelessly shovel the responsibility out loud to someone else without thinking, but eventually ends up fussingly clean up dishes and scrape the BBQ and pack the leftover food after every tiresome day on a Euro trip.

Like a multi-way marriage that has stretched on and on. To my extended family, I will be loyal to you forever.