Post Type: Short Excerpt
Wow, it's been so long since I've updated!
Ever since hiding this blog from google search engine (due to professional 'needs'), and having started my new "happy" blog, I haven't written any reflection here.
But actually, that above is just an excuse for me being lazy.
As most of my friends know, I spend hours and hours reading 'useless' garbage on the internet. Notably, newspaper and research articles on psychology and other social science topics that are of my interest. Moreover, searching for 'a definite truth' in this increasingly complex world that I am perceiving.
So, I've been reading again.
The last time I read for 8 hours straight was on the migrant-worker/refugee crisis, and obviously related debates.
This time was that talking to a colleague earlier had inspired me to read and research on the Pygmalion effect - the self-fulling prophecy of higher expectation leading to better outcome. Yet somehow that reading metamorphed to feminist thoughts: are there research showing that girls achieve higher than boys in school? If so, why do women not achieve at the top level in their careers as males? Is it a result of their upbringings of people from that generation? If so, then we should see a major turnaround in my generation right? Women and men in equal power, taking on careers based on interest and ability... In fact, what does it mean to be a woman?
I have always been a "tomboy" growing up, with the word 'tomboy' being the definition of 'a girl who acts like a boy' of course. One such characteristic that makes me more boy-ish is obvious: I value overt rebellion well over discipline. I LOVE showing off and I LOVE competition over collaboration. I enjoy being a lone wolf, and pride myself most when I am BETTER at something than other people. These characteristics, as I read from research papers, are largely attributed to young boys and the competitive nature of male in general. Thus also a reason for boys having much more behavioural problems in school and being disorganized, cramming for tests, and achieving lowly regularly but perform beyond expectation than girls in one-shot tests or exams.
Welp, I was behaved poorly, had a 5 minute attention span, always blurting out answers, near ADHD level walking around the classroom, talking to classmates and interrupting. In grades 9-11 I was drawing manga in every single class that I didn't like and outright rebelled against teacher who told me to listen (put away the sketch book and keep drawing a minute later after the teacher isn't looking). I rarely did a lick of homework, skipped nearly a quarter of total classes, and my grades from grade 9-grade 11 hovered barely above 80 percent overall. Academically achieving was not associated with me - cute and enthusiastic was. Every sheet of handout I got, if didn't go in the garbage, went somewhere tucked between my textbooks or in the depth of my backpack along with rotten bananas. I showered every 3 days or so, and was late to first period 45/87 classes in a year. Planners were brand new from the day school started until the day school finished. I was not interested in love relationships at all.
Nothing outside of school mishaps though. But only because I didn't have exposure.
Then my average in grade 12 was 95. Even my math teachers did not know I was actually aptitude-wise top of the class in mathematics (my marks were at about top 10 in an average academic class - high 80s, low 90s) until I decided to take an interest in math contests in grade 10 and did much better than all classmates who were getting similar if not better grades than me in an average math class.
I LOVED math contests. Because it gave me the bragging right to tell my classmates who were getting 90s that, I'm smarter than you (yes, being good at math is perceived as smart), and yet I don't have to work for it. Rebellious against the system! Aw yea! Point for show off! Aside from that, I hardly did any reading and talked like an uneducated nutbrain and dropped the f-bomb every other word when I am with my "bros", cuz it was cool to talk like that.
So, all the above traits would net me the identity "boy"
Or does the above traits make me really, a girl?
Or is it just me being me?
---
Now I am working. I am curious and aggressive - perceived as sharp and ambitious if I was a man (except that I am a small Asian girl), as I did a student. And I am sometimes, an ass.
I teach computing technology, the most tech-savvy subject in the school. Tech is an area commonly associated with men.
Also, I found something that interested me. I looked at many notable international schools and the international education circuit in general (for the best paying job in a best possible teaching environment with room to grow my career of course, as is the defining characteristic of a career-ambitious man), and I noticed that largely across these 'international' schools, leadership team are dominated by men. But women make up much more of the teaching force.
Oh why oh why?
What happened to women who were ambitious and wanted to streamline their career to lead?
At least according to this Harvard Business Review article, for the highly intelligent workforce, women don't deny themselves out of senior leadership because of valuing family over career.
I certainly wouldn't. And I'm not even highly intelligent.
Is it ironic that I am a 23 year old little girl and I happen to be THE computing/IT-tech teacher and the most computing-proficient person (note, this doesn't just refer to basic IT skills where you could look up on the internet, this refers to programming and related computing knowledge) in the school where nearly everyone in IT/technology/design are men?
Well. Let's change the above last sentence "[...] in the school where nearly everyone in IT/technology/design are HUMAN?"
Hmmm, well I'm human too. So now there's no irony to my existence.
So then where is this idea of 'something associated with men' and 'something associated with women' coming from?
In fact, where is this idea of 'men' and 'women' coming from other than our biological features, i.e. genitals?
Suddenly I understand some of my friends in computer science and their single-minded advocacy for feminism in the tech world (alongside with the other hot topic of mental-health awareness).
It is so important!
It is so important because there shouldn't ever even have been such word as 'feminism'. Why is there no word called 'masculinism'? (I got a red underline for bad spelling as I typed the word)
Why aren't massive number of brilliant, perceptive, empathetic, and decisive female teachers that inspires students day in day out in the classroom overtaking the men in leadership positions, who run a top-notch international school and earns respect like a business corporation CEO?!
They can be much better CEOs of this these large corporations under the industry of 'education'!
---
I aggressively mess around with technology available to me in the school so it works my way, to my heart's content. Technology doesn't control me, I control it.
I code, I hack, I play video games, I design curriculum, I double up on my extracurricular activities. I aggressively seek increase my influence in this very young school.
And I preach to my students there are no such concept as men and women, especially not when it comes to using the concept to define their career choice.
And I'm exploring life.
If I do stay in the teaching circuit, my appetite is big.
The globe is my job market.
"I'm gonna to go Harvard and I'm gonna be the founder/CEO one day of one of these large teaching corporations," as I'd like to say - as soon as I get myself to the distribution center to grab some beer like a true bro, since I just got my residence permit today :)
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
Friday, 24 July 2015
My 2015 Movie Dates with Wenzhi - A Reflection After Watching Pixar's Superbly Intelligent Torture Horror Movie 'Inside Out'
Post type: Short Excerpt
I hereby dedicate this post to my friend Wenzhi whom in addition to being a kick ass movie buddy since undergrad and just the most reliable human being in general, I, the most unreliable human being, missed a movie date with last night which was her birthday due to [wo]man-hunting for my mother in Kitchener-Waterloo for 3 hours.
Running kind out of mental energy to write as I spent way too much processing energy on understanding the details my pea-sized brain can grasp in the new Pixar movie "Inside Out", but here's trying to push through with some writing.
Once in a while I should probably write something normal or slightly more positive/uplifting. Therefore, I'd like to talk about the two very interesting movies we watched together over the course of last month this year. But after the movie today, I realized that without 'Sadness', there is very little emotional room and tranquility to process thoughts (always 'Joy'fully skipping around, no peace and quiet for thought). Thus, it's ironic that I am trying to write something happy because I am motivated by the impulse of strong feeling [which, according to the movie, is a synonym for sadness] triggered by the movie I just watched.
About four weeks ago, we watched Ted 2. My kind of joke movie. The storyline is pretty terrible, rigid romance and plot pitching together the comedy skits about porn, pot, teddy bear and the like. Pretty entertaining movie, though was not as refreshingly eccentric as the first movie. Though the storyline directly mocks a pretty hot social justice topic in our time (or so, of all time) of what it means to be human, dating since the beginning of human civilization - slaves, women, homosexuals, etc. and that really felt kind of like the sort of feel good movie I want to watch, having become increasingly more interested in social justice issues revolving feminism and empowering girls. It was a pretty easy going movie, easy to digest, and the best part is Ted's rebel life style that I much envy.
The second movie we watched today was Pixar's new movie Inside Out as mentioned above. This has to be this year's and Pixar's most raw, disturbing, and torturous movie I've ever seen. Oh man and this one was so intellectually challenging for me while as I watch and simultaneously trying to catch all the symbolisms in the movie. I don't know when it started that I started picking up fine details in movies (maybe after I started extensively writing and reading about a year ago), or perhaps just this movie is so explicit and crude about the turbulence of human emotions that there's so many things to pick up in it. Having watched this movie, especially at its bitter-sweet ending, I feel like my day's mood just darkened by a megafold. Every natural action of characters in an animated film you'd expect, when put in this film, just rings a thousand times louder. The resistance to change [growing up and moving to a new environment] caused angst is carried throughout the film as Joy consistently downplays Sadness' comments, trying to restore the emotions to its old ways. Death [of innocence] is so very explicitly pictured without any decoration from the vanishing of the imaginary friend. In the end, when the core memories consist of multiple colors, brings much sadness in the way that it portrays how helpless we are in determining how our mental development takes place and ultimately suggesting that our will power can only do its best to learn to cope and see the light amidst the darkness. Very cruel in the way that we must all face growing up and reality eventually and learn to cope with some form of sadness that is inevitable, an unidealistic truth of life. And lastly, the depiction of difference voices inside different characters' heads shows the dominant emotions in ourselves - the father's anger, the competitive natural drive of the male specie; the mother's sadness, the cooperative, reasonable, rational empathy of the female specie.
This movie is undoubtfully beyond my intelligence at the moment to fully grasp, and I haven't even mentioned the references to abstract ideas of the human mind yet.
I strongly suggest this movie for those who has strong mental capacity and can withstand a brutal stripping and torturing break down of your own emotions. It's a genuine intelligent horror movie and if you think you can sleep properly watching it, I highly recommend it.
Thinking about it, I told Wenzhi that the dominance of emotions in my head would be Anger > Joy > Sadness > Disgust > Fear.
Though, in my future role as a teacher for adolescents, perhaps there were two things that could use two major modifications, namely:
I hereby dedicate this post to my friend Wenzhi whom in addition to being a kick ass movie buddy since undergrad and just the most reliable human being in general, I, the most unreliable human being, missed a movie date with last night which was her birthday due to [wo]man-hunting for my mother in Kitchener-Waterloo for 3 hours.
Running kind out of mental energy to write as I spent way too much processing energy on understanding the details my pea-sized brain can grasp in the new Pixar movie "Inside Out", but here's trying to push through with some writing.
Once in a while I should probably write something normal or slightly more positive/uplifting. Therefore, I'd like to talk about the two very interesting movies we watched together over the course of last month this year. But after the movie today, I realized that without 'Sadness', there is very little emotional room and tranquility to process thoughts (always 'Joy'fully skipping around, no peace and quiet for thought). Thus, it's ironic that I am trying to write something happy because I am motivated by the impulse of strong feeling [which, according to the movie, is a synonym for sadness] triggered by the movie I just watched.
About four weeks ago, we watched Ted 2. My kind of joke movie. The storyline is pretty terrible, rigid romance and plot pitching together the comedy skits about porn, pot, teddy bear and the like. Pretty entertaining movie, though was not as refreshingly eccentric as the first movie. Though the storyline directly mocks a pretty hot social justice topic in our time (or so, of all time) of what it means to be human, dating since the beginning of human civilization - slaves, women, homosexuals, etc. and that really felt kind of like the sort of feel good movie I want to watch, having become increasingly more interested in social justice issues revolving feminism and empowering girls. It was a pretty easy going movie, easy to digest, and the best part is Ted's rebel life style that I much envy.
The second movie we watched today was Pixar's new movie Inside Out as mentioned above. This has to be this year's and Pixar's most raw, disturbing, and torturous movie I've ever seen. Oh man and this one was so intellectually challenging for me while as I watch and simultaneously trying to catch all the symbolisms in the movie. I don't know when it started that I started picking up fine details in movies (maybe after I started extensively writing and reading about a year ago), or perhaps just this movie is so explicit and crude about the turbulence of human emotions that there's so many things to pick up in it. Having watched this movie, especially at its bitter-sweet ending, I feel like my day's mood just darkened by a megafold. Every natural action of characters in an animated film you'd expect, when put in this film, just rings a thousand times louder. The resistance to change [growing up and moving to a new environment] caused angst is carried throughout the film as Joy consistently downplays Sadness' comments, trying to restore the emotions to its old ways. Death [of innocence] is so very explicitly pictured without any decoration from the vanishing of the imaginary friend. In the end, when the core memories consist of multiple colors, brings much sadness in the way that it portrays how helpless we are in determining how our mental development takes place and ultimately suggesting that our will power can only do its best to learn to cope and see the light amidst the darkness. Very cruel in the way that we must all face growing up and reality eventually and learn to cope with some form of sadness that is inevitable, an unidealistic truth of life. And lastly, the depiction of difference voices inside different characters' heads shows the dominant emotions in ourselves - the father's anger, the competitive natural drive of the male specie; the mother's sadness, the cooperative, reasonable, rational empathy of the female specie.
This movie is undoubtfully beyond my intelligence at the moment to fully grasp, and I haven't even mentioned the references to abstract ideas of the human mind yet.
I strongly suggest this movie for those who has strong mental capacity and can withstand a brutal stripping and torturing break down of your own emotions. It's a genuine intelligent horror movie and if you think you can sleep properly watching it, I highly recommend it.
Thinking about it, I told Wenzhi that the dominance of emotions in my head would be Anger > Joy > Sadness > Disgust > Fear.
Though, in my future role as a teacher for adolescents, perhaps there were two things that could use two major modifications, namely:
- My sketchy rebel-gangster inner self's enjoyment of Ted movie's kind of humor and teenage boy's fascination and envy for Ted's lifestyle should probably go down the drain, as the [Morgan Freeman] lawyer says "You could've been an inspiration" to Ted when he initially rejected to take on his case... I need to be an 'Inspiration' for students... or so, at least be a 'proper role model' for students.
- Maybe my emotions should line up in the order of Joy > Sadness > Fear > Disgust > Anger in a teacher persona. I should teach my students to be positive and happy. Though, they'll learn the inevitable existence of much Sadness in our life and have to be forced to learn to cope with it eventually. Whether it be pulling up genuine Joy to overcome it, or Fear-fully retreat back to their comfort zone, or put oneself under a facade out of Disgust is different for everyone. But for me, I have chosen Anger - to rebel and fight and live however I want and succumb to no one in the face of the all encompassing Sadness.
Friday, 10 July 2015
Red Monkey Adventure 1
Post Type: Animal Shorts
Monkey gets older and gets lonelier, and loneliness sucks, so Monkey gets Quail to hang around for banana planting.
After banana planting demonstration Quail and Monkey starts fandoming the banana garden animals.
Monkey being monkey, talks about its fascination with the Snow Leopard again when the conversations drifts to about how Donkey is a pretty good handy animal. Also to note is Monkey have hinted at many times of its ongoing fondness for the Snow Leopard.
"Why don't you just sit by the grass pretend like you are walking by to see it?" Quail suggests.
"Um... cuz it hangs around the higher lands and there's no banana trees? So I can't just 'walk' by it?" Monkey laments.
"Oh, yo you should do the just camp out on the ground there, bring a tent and be like 'troll'."
"Oh shut up."
"K, I wanna see this Snow Leopard now, come on, come on," Quail abuses the fact that it stayed with Monkey for the session, "I went to banana planting with you already, come on, show me."
"No."
You know, if it's any other animal, Monkey would happily go picking banana while hang around their territory. Just not when it's Snow Leopard.
"Oh my dragon. No! ok?"
"Come on, I just wanna see it!"
Monkey, a softie in the end goes along the stupid Quail and they go to the isolate higher lands.
"Oh, by the way, Donkey also monitors the dirt nutrition level here. So I come here sometimes."
"Oh ho ho ho," Quail-no-good snickers.
"Shut up ...... that's also one of the reasons I work for Donkey."
"Ooooooo," Quail is very annoying. Monkey is feeling the irritation already, but not really at Quail, but rather, its own inner little secret and the fear of actually running into the Snow Leopard and of course, Quail outright making fun of its inner little secret.
"And, here it is, nothing here, let's go," Monkey quickly zips out as soon as they see the higher lands.
"No, come on, go closer, where it is?"
"What? I don't know where it is! It could be out hunting any time!"
Monkey peaks over at the rocks at the higher lands for a brief moment more.
"K, it just usually hangs out at that cave there, ok? I'm out!"
Monkey grabs by the tree branch and swings up the tree and runs out.
Quail flaps along.
"YO! You were actually nervous?! I've never seen you like that before."
"Yes, yes, of course I am..." Monkey flustered, irritatingly dismisses Quail, "What if it finds out and eats me for dinner one day!"
"LOL Oh my dragon, your face is as red as your ass!"
Monkey just wants Quail to shut up. But its own brain is too much of a mush right now to come up with an authoritative reply. Quail keeps rubbing it in. It enjoys dumping salt on Monkey.
"Ugh, banana peels! Plantation ends. Gotta go the other way," Monkey pretentiously complains about the lack of tree to swing on.
"But oooooo, serious, animal. That was soooo..."
"K, this is Mountain Goat's area, it's pretty cool, check it out," Monkey leads Quail to another area on slightly lower grounds.
"Let's see?..."
"Whoop, mountain goat also nowhere to be found."
"Oh well..."
Of course oh well, diverted the topic.
"You know when I told you I have an obsession with the cat family?"
"Yo, that's peeled up. Doesn't make sense."
"K, so it's been like that for a while. Each lasts about 2 seasons or a little less, from the Flower Lynx to start..."Monkey, still disoriented from that stalking attempt, rambles on mindlessly without paying attention to Quail, "I just have this weird thing for furred, beautiful animals, ok?"
Stupid Quail, has to make a big fuss of its inner little secret. Monkey feels very mixed. Happy that they were sufficiently close to the Snow Leopard's hideout to give room for imagination, still scared that if they did run into Snow Leopard, what should it do, angry at Quail's outright fun making and rubbing salt at its burns from shame, and a little disappointed, at itself, that it'll never work up the guts to visit the Snow Leopard.
If it was any other animal, it'd be no problem at all.
"Hey, I think I'm gonna get Caribou to put some decors on my harvesting sickle," Monkey, still mindlessly rambling, casually tells Quail.
"Oh, why?"
"Cuz Caribou is cool."
Sigh, Monkey is leaving for the harvesting division soon, if it doesn't ever see the magnificent Snow Leopard again, maybe it'll forget about it shortly after it leaves.
It's been 1 season, it'll probably last no more than another season. Monkey sure hopes so.
Monkey gets older and gets lonelier, and loneliness sucks, so Monkey gets Quail to hang around for banana planting.
After banana planting demonstration Quail and Monkey starts fandoming the banana garden animals.
Monkey being monkey, talks about its fascination with the Snow Leopard again when the conversations drifts to about how Donkey is a pretty good handy animal. Also to note is Monkey have hinted at many times of its ongoing fondness for the Snow Leopard.
"Why don't you just sit by the grass pretend like you are walking by to see it?" Quail suggests.
"Um... cuz it hangs around the higher lands and there's no banana trees? So I can't just 'walk' by it?" Monkey laments.
"Oh, yo you should do the just camp out on the ground there, bring a tent and be like 'troll'."
"Oh shut up."
"K, I wanna see this Snow Leopard now, come on, come on," Quail abuses the fact that it stayed with Monkey for the session, "I went to banana planting with you already, come on, show me."
"No."
You know, if it's any other animal, Monkey would happily go picking banana while hang around their territory. Just not when it's Snow Leopard.
"Oh my dragon. No! ok?"
"Come on, I just wanna see it!"
Monkey, a softie in the end goes along the stupid Quail and they go to the isolate higher lands.
"Oh, by the way, Donkey also monitors the dirt nutrition level here. So I come here sometimes."
"Oh ho ho ho," Quail-no-good snickers.
"Shut up ...... that's also one of the reasons I work for Donkey."
"Ooooooo," Quail is very annoying. Monkey is feeling the irritation already, but not really at Quail, but rather, its own inner little secret and the fear of actually running into the Snow Leopard and of course, Quail outright making fun of its inner little secret.
"And, here it is, nothing here, let's go," Monkey quickly zips out as soon as they see the higher lands.
"No, come on, go closer, where it is?"
"What? I don't know where it is! It could be out hunting any time!"
Monkey peaks over at the rocks at the higher lands for a brief moment more.
"K, it just usually hangs out at that cave there, ok? I'm out!"
Monkey grabs by the tree branch and swings up the tree and runs out.
Quail flaps along.
"YO! You were actually nervous?! I've never seen you like that before."
"Yes, yes, of course I am..." Monkey flustered, irritatingly dismisses Quail, "What if it finds out and eats me for dinner one day!"
"LOL Oh my dragon, your face is as red as your ass!"
Monkey just wants Quail to shut up. But its own brain is too much of a mush right now to come up with an authoritative reply. Quail keeps rubbing it in. It enjoys dumping salt on Monkey.
"Ugh, banana peels! Plantation ends. Gotta go the other way," Monkey pretentiously complains about the lack of tree to swing on.
"But oooooo, serious, animal. That was soooo..."
"K, this is Mountain Goat's area, it's pretty cool, check it out," Monkey leads Quail to another area on slightly lower grounds.
"Let's see?..."
"Whoop, mountain goat also nowhere to be found."
"Oh well..."
Of course oh well, diverted the topic.
"You know when I told you I have an obsession with the cat family?"
"Yo, that's peeled up. Doesn't make sense."
"K, so it's been like that for a while. Each lasts about 2 seasons or a little less, from the Flower Lynx to start..."Monkey, still disoriented from that stalking attempt, rambles on mindlessly without paying attention to Quail, "I just have this weird thing for furred, beautiful animals, ok?"
Stupid Quail, has to make a big fuss of its inner little secret. Monkey feels very mixed. Happy that they were sufficiently close to the Snow Leopard's hideout to give room for imagination, still scared that if they did run into Snow Leopard, what should it do, angry at Quail's outright fun making and rubbing salt at its burns from shame, and a little disappointed, at itself, that it'll never work up the guts to visit the Snow Leopard.
If it was any other animal, it'd be no problem at all.
"Hey, I think I'm gonna get Caribou to put some decors on my harvesting sickle," Monkey, still mindlessly rambling, casually tells Quail.
"Oh, why?"
"Cuz Caribou is cool."
Sigh, Monkey is leaving for the harvesting division soon, if it doesn't ever see the magnificent Snow Leopard again, maybe it'll forget about it shortly after it leaves.
It's been 1 season, it'll probably last no more than another season. Monkey sure hopes so.
Thursday, 25 June 2015
Asian People Do Not Buy this Soy Milk 多伦多华人不要买他家豆浆
Post Type: Picture Book
Self explanatory.
I was so pissed after I bought this black sesame soy milk. The moment I took a gulp, it tasted like melted plastic contaminated in it.（Sorry our house's dinner table is messy)
I should've taken a picture of the layer of oil while it was in my bowl (I drank a whole bowl before dumping it out), it tasted like massive plastic cartridge melted in it. My parents agree. (My household is extremely sketchy and we eat every kind of expired, gone sour, scoured out of nowhere food - see that pack of excel gum in the plate in the picture above? Been around since I was in 1st year undergrad - I am now finishing year 5 of undergrad.)
$3.59 at Ocean's Supermarket in Mississauga (Eglinton X Hurontario). Don't BUY!
Don't buy this brand in general. Screw these Chinese soy milk >_>.
I almost vomited. To make Tappy vomit from food is unheard of.
Self explanatory.
I was so pissed after I bought this black sesame soy milk. The moment I took a gulp, it tasted like melted plastic contaminated in it.（Sorry our house's dinner table is messy)
I should've taken a picture of the layer of oil while it was in my bowl (I drank a whole bowl before dumping it out), it tasted like massive plastic cartridge melted in it. My parents agree. (My household is extremely sketchy and we eat every kind of expired, gone sour, scoured out of nowhere food - see that pack of excel gum in the plate in the picture above? Been around since I was in 1st year undergrad - I am now finishing year 5 of undergrad.)
$3.59 at Ocean's Supermarket in Mississauga (Eglinton X Hurontario). Don't BUY!
Don't buy this brand in general. Screw these Chinese soy milk >_>.
I almost vomited. To make Tappy vomit from food is unheard of.
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Disode to Family
Post Type: Short Excerpt
Today turned out to be a happy day.
I initially wanted to write something about "Ode to Creativity" or something like that because I was happy.
I finished the rough outline of the prequel, a standalone story to the large story I am writing on the ride to and from Horseshoe Valley while hanging out with really cool people. I went on a treetop-trekking trip that I initially didn't want to go because I meant to sulk and procrastinate at home working on my homework, which I probably won't have gotten any done anyway.
But since I was doing something I was extremely obsessed about, my leisure story writing, I was extremely productive. I've been lingering, procrastinating on the plot progression for a week, and today, I finished. With appreciation and interest from friends and just the right atmosphere - crucial for creativity - I finally finished the OUTLINE to a standalone small story.
Then I came back to my parents' series of scoldings: I have no self control - still has school homework and only thinks of playing while my friends are all working; I am disorganized - credit card locked due to transactions from Montreal (hotel I booked for ski trip next year) and not reporting I'm still in school to OSAP so OSAP started charging interest; and I am fucked in the head - driving late at night with some rain sending my friend home to Hamilton with all 3 of us in one car, danger danger.
Those of you who have followed my writing has probably seen my criticism of my very oblivious, emotional-intelligence-near-retardation, quick-to-judge Asian parents.
Today's another demonstration of that.
While I showered, I think of my friend who casually mentioned that she's gotta move out soon, as she works in Toronto and commutes from Hamilton, but obviously, commute is not the main reason.
And my brother who nests in a dormitory with his girlfriend, both away from the distraction and in someways, expectation, of the parental units. Surviving onwards just fine, except financially. As my brother is relying on his parents' money, and she is relying on OSAP.
I have a friend who has had a outright breakout fight with family and moved out at the end of high school and has not had official contact with family since.
My other friend today speaks of the possibility of going back to Ottawa for a long weekend trip with despise because it would be awkward if she ran into her mom.
Another friend of mine, who speaks of Asian parents as 'too-quick-to-judge' also tries her best to live on her own grad student salary and plans to move out with her boyfriend after she graduates. That it is ok to go back to home as a guest once in a while, but definitely not live with them in a long term union.
Even Jason doesn't want to go back to Ottawa to work as much as his parents want him to be there - yes, even fool likes the sensation of freedom. Idiots know what freedom is once they live it, though according to my parents I am just as much of an idiot as Jason.
Welp, that's quite the diss.
Then there are friends of mine who suck it up the Asian parents' unconstructive, emotionally-irresponsible, lack-of-self-introspection critcisms and keeps a close tie with their family.
I suddenly realize they all share some traits: immature, insensitive, and uninsightful, unable to make firm decisions on their own. Though they are still great friends and great kids. Note, kids.
I wonder why is it that so much Asian children I've spoken to, and yes, they are very intelligent (I would like to say I don't have unintelligent friends :) ), has this intrinsic or outright 'hatred'-borne gap from their family.
But this troubles me - the Eastern, Asian culture that has long in our history a deep association with family and togetherness is creating this small sphere of dispersion in my generation.
And my friends are doing moderately well for themselves. Those who separated from their family. They are knowledgeable, independent, and frankly, rebellious.
Psychology has the research that extreme teen rebellion often heralds from a lack of proper parenting and nurture from a young age. So what is the problem really? Are we born disabled in the head or are we born disabled in the head and oblivious parenting disabled us even further?
Since my family has been so casual and easy-going and disorganized, each of us living to our own schedule, I always thought lightly of family issues that other people tell me, dismissing it immaturely as if family will always be together and that there are no such thing as grudges really. It's all that shouting but getting together again Asian family casual quarrel.
I am thinking again.
I told my parents that I'm going to Waterloo next week and coming back next weekend (instead of right away on Monday night after my class finishes).
I need my distance.
I did not believe in 'methods' and 'mechanisms', and really, the idea of 'rules' that the Western society so much adores, even in the organization of family. For in the Eastern culture, there are no such thing as 'rules' in family.
Rules, mechanisms, make Asian family seem unfamily-like.
And voila, the overdone, overused 'distance' mechanism whiplashes.
Or maybe I'm just mad at the fact that I'm tired from treetop trekking and accidentally stepped in and knocked over a pot of flower in the mud while trying to talk to my friend from the car and my dad didn't ask me if my feet was ok and instead was like "那花盆怎么踢倒的?" (how did you step over the flower pot).
I need you to ask me how did the flower pot fall over. The fact is, I stepped in it, it fell over.
Like the story of my life. I need you to ask me why I'm so messed up. The fact is, I grew up, I'm messed up.
But I'm going to Qatar. So long, folks.
I'm still happy regardless, because I felt so productive having finished my writing. My obsession. I finished because I'd overcome my laziness and procrastination and exercised self-control - which I totally do not have.
And enough self-control to finish this piece of writing too.
Today's been a great day.
Time to clean up that outline and put in some punctuation marks and paragraph breaks.
Today turned out to be a happy day.
I initially wanted to write something about "Ode to Creativity" or something like that because I was happy.
I finished the rough outline of the prequel, a standalone story to the large story I am writing on the ride to and from Horseshoe Valley while hanging out with really cool people. I went on a treetop-trekking trip that I initially didn't want to go because I meant to sulk and procrastinate at home working on my homework, which I probably won't have gotten any done anyway.
But since I was doing something I was extremely obsessed about, my leisure story writing, I was extremely productive. I've been lingering, procrastinating on the plot progression for a week, and today, I finished. With appreciation and interest from friends and just the right atmosphere - crucial for creativity - I finally finished the OUTLINE to a standalone small story.
Then I came back to my parents' series of scoldings: I have no self control - still has school homework and only thinks of playing while my friends are all working; I am disorganized - credit card locked due to transactions from Montreal (hotel I booked for ski trip next year) and not reporting I'm still in school to OSAP so OSAP started charging interest; and I am fucked in the head - driving late at night with some rain sending my friend home to Hamilton with all 3 of us in one car, danger danger.
Those of you who have followed my writing has probably seen my criticism of my very oblivious, emotional-intelligence-near-retardation, quick-to-judge Asian parents.
Today's another demonstration of that.
While I showered, I think of my friend who casually mentioned that she's gotta move out soon, as she works in Toronto and commutes from Hamilton, but obviously, commute is not the main reason.
And my brother who nests in a dormitory with his girlfriend, both away from the distraction and in someways, expectation, of the parental units. Surviving onwards just fine, except financially. As my brother is relying on his parents' money, and she is relying on OSAP.
I have a friend who has had a outright breakout fight with family and moved out at the end of high school and has not had official contact with family since.
My other friend today speaks of the possibility of going back to Ottawa for a long weekend trip with despise because it would be awkward if she ran into her mom.
Another friend of mine, who speaks of Asian parents as 'too-quick-to-judge' also tries her best to live on her own grad student salary and plans to move out with her boyfriend after she graduates. That it is ok to go back to home as a guest once in a while, but definitely not live with them in a long term union.
Even Jason doesn't want to go back to Ottawa to work as much as his parents want him to be there - yes, even fool likes the sensation of freedom. Idiots know what freedom is once they live it, though according to my parents I am just as much of an idiot as Jason.
Welp, that's quite the diss.
Then there are friends of mine who suck it up the Asian parents' unconstructive, emotionally-irresponsible, lack-of-self-introspection critcisms and keeps a close tie with their family.
I suddenly realize they all share some traits: immature, insensitive, and uninsightful, unable to make firm decisions on their own. Though they are still great friends and great kids. Note, kids.
I wonder why is it that so much Asian children I've spoken to, and yes, they are very intelligent (I would like to say I don't have unintelligent friends :) ), has this intrinsic or outright 'hatred'-borne gap from their family.
But this troubles me - the Eastern, Asian culture that has long in our history a deep association with family and togetherness is creating this small sphere of dispersion in my generation.
And my friends are doing moderately well for themselves. Those who separated from their family. They are knowledgeable, independent, and frankly, rebellious.
Psychology has the research that extreme teen rebellion often heralds from a lack of proper parenting and nurture from a young age. So what is the problem really? Are we born disabled in the head or are we born disabled in the head and oblivious parenting disabled us even further?
Since my family has been so casual and easy-going and disorganized, each of us living to our own schedule, I always thought lightly of family issues that other people tell me, dismissing it immaturely as if family will always be together and that there are no such thing as grudges really. It's all that shouting but getting together again Asian family casual quarrel.
I am thinking again.
I told my parents that I'm going to Waterloo next week and coming back next weekend (instead of right away on Monday night after my class finishes).
I need my distance.
I did not believe in 'methods' and 'mechanisms', and really, the idea of 'rules' that the Western society so much adores, even in the organization of family. For in the Eastern culture, there are no such thing as 'rules' in family.
Rules, mechanisms, make Asian family seem unfamily-like.
And voila, the overdone, overused 'distance' mechanism whiplashes.
Or maybe I'm just mad at the fact that I'm tired from treetop trekking and accidentally stepped in and knocked over a pot of flower in the mud while trying to talk to my friend from the car and my dad didn't ask me if my feet was ok and instead was like "那花盆怎么踢倒的?" (how did you step over the flower pot).
I need you to ask me how did the flower pot fall over. The fact is, I stepped in it, it fell over.
Like the story of my life. I need you to ask me why I'm so messed up. The fact is, I grew up, I'm messed up.
But I'm going to Qatar. So long, folks.
I'm still happy regardless, because I felt so productive having finished my writing. My obsession. I finished because I'd overcome my laziness and procrastination and exercised self-control - which I totally do not have.
And enough self-control to finish this piece of writing too.
Today's been a great day.
Time to clean up that outline and put in some punctuation marks and paragraph breaks.
Tuesday, 2 June 2015
A Professional Development Joke
Post Type: Short Excerpt
This really is a short excerpt.
For those of you who did the undergraduate co-op program at the University of Waterloo which we all had to take those useless PD courses.
I must say, my TA is very kind.
I realized my interesting word choice on my assignment (the s**t, the f**k etc etc.) to sound very professional and I got an email today.
Good Afternoon Tappy,
Totally made my day :) And I'm not being sarcastic.
I guess the point of this post is Waterloo's PD courses are a joke.
And PD staff are pretty nice for most part, despite delinquent, immature students like I.
I should probably grow up.
This really is a short excerpt.
For those of you who did the undergraduate co-op program at the University of Waterloo which we all had to take those useless PD courses.
I must say, my TA is very kind.
I realized my interesting word choice on my assignment (the s**t, the f**k etc etc.) to sound very professional and I got an email today.
Good Afternoon Tappy,
I have marked your unit 3 assignment. Although you received marks for the content of your responses, some of your points did not carry a professional tone. PD8 is a University level professional development course and all responses should be written accordingly. In the future, please refrain from using unprofessional language in your assignments. If you have any comments about the course content or the course itself, feel free to email pd8@uwaterloo.ca and we will take your remarks into consideration.
I guess the point of this post is Waterloo's PD courses are a joke.
And PD staff are pretty nice for most part, despite delinquent, immature students like I.
I should probably grow up.
Wednesday, 29 April 2015
On my Controversial Internet Presence
Post Type: Short Excerpt
Before I write any justification. To the people who have been absent-minded and has no perception of my state of mind, or are just judgmental or frustrated at what I post on my own property on the internet...
Feel free tell me otherwise - both in person or publicly post your anger, I don't really care. I will listen, but I will not change.
Let's get this straight - what I post on the internet is not anybody's business but mine.
Perhaps you may think I am ethically questionable from what you read, sure. That is your opinion and I don't care.
I don't post criminally offensive things on the internet - so no, I am not breaching the law.
Moreover, if you are an employer, and you will go all the way of finding a mutual friend of mine and yours, which is easy, by the 6-degrees-of-separation principle, and start judging me based on what I post in my own world to share with my "friends" on the lovely Facebook (and actually, this public blog for that matter), please do not contact me with opportunities. I don't want to work for you. I don't have to work for you.
Well, the thing is. I am an extremely opinionated, passionate, and expressive person. Yet I never say derogatory/controlling things to other people. I will never say anything mean to anyone, regardless of how absent-minded and ignorant I actually think you are.
So why is it that sometimes even a conversation between myself and a friend which were has no malicious intent whatsoever on my wall are met with malicious attacks?
I finally realized today - I'm not befriending the right people.
That is my own failure, being nice and easily approachable by everyone, even though I know from conversation that they have extremist opinions that I completely do not agree with nor do I want to listen. I still listened out of curiosity and respect for the speaker, and knowledge itself.
Though speaking with the wrong people leads to misrepresentation of knowledge, and sometimes it's better not have known at all.
This brings me back to that malicious Facebook attack by a friend of my mom's... who posted pictures after pictures of anti-Islamic messages on my Facebook after her own almost-racist pride, unintelligence, and, poor listening skills erupted a fight over religion on a simple Facebook status update of mine - excuse me, I have a lot of Muslim friends.
And a friend of mine telling me in person that I will get into trouble in Qatar because I will talk about anti-governmental/anti-social-value things, when I know that I am more open-minded and respect others' culture and social value more than most people I know. She was not even thinking when she said "no you are gonna say things [that are bad]".
And other stupid, racially judgmental comments that were hinted revolving where I will be working in the future.
And people who tell me not to be so crude on the internet - wash up and go to bed, don't look at my corner of the internet if it disturbs you so much.
Then I reflect finally, why is it that there are millions of intellectually inferior people to me and whose opinions are downright ignorant and... incorrect, and yet they have so much pride in their opinion, while I am like a little sheep that timidly and gently listens to them and do not show opposition nor objection?
Because I am stupid.
I am a fool, the most intellectually inferior person in this world, who has no defense mechanism that even newborn babies do.
I am nice to everyone. I stand for nothing, so I fall for EVERYTHING.
But that's ok. Because I realized that the fact I am nice to and accepting of everyone is not a weakness.
It's a powerful strength that judgmental, close-minded, ignorant people do not have.
Keep up the anger or hate. I am ready to listen.
And I am ready to express my mind to the fullest on my corner of the internet all the same.
Before I write any justification. To the people who have been absent-minded and has no perception of my state of mind, or are just judgmental or frustrated at what I post on my own property on the internet...
Feel free tell me otherwise - both in person or publicly post your anger, I don't really care. I will listen, but I will not change.
Let's get this straight - what I post on the internet is not anybody's business but mine.
Perhaps you may think I am ethically questionable from what you read, sure. That is your opinion and I don't care.
I don't post criminally offensive things on the internet - so no, I am not breaching the law.
Moreover, if you are an employer, and you will go all the way of finding a mutual friend of mine and yours, which is easy, by the 6-degrees-of-separation principle, and start judging me based on what I post in my own world to share with my "friends" on the lovely Facebook (and actually, this public blog for that matter), please do not contact me with opportunities. I don't want to work for you. I don't have to work for you.
Well, the thing is. I am an extremely opinionated, passionate, and expressive person. Yet I never say derogatory/controlling things to other people. I will never say anything mean to anyone, regardless of how absent-minded and ignorant I actually think you are.
So why is it that sometimes even a conversation between myself and a friend which were has no malicious intent whatsoever on my wall are met with malicious attacks?
I finally realized today - I'm not befriending the right people.
That is my own failure, being nice and easily approachable by everyone, even though I know from conversation that they have extremist opinions that I completely do not agree with nor do I want to listen. I still listened out of curiosity and respect for the speaker, and knowledge itself.
Though speaking with the wrong people leads to misrepresentation of knowledge, and sometimes it's better not have known at all.
This brings me back to that malicious Facebook attack by a friend of my mom's... who posted pictures after pictures of anti-Islamic messages on my Facebook after her own almost-racist pride, unintelligence, and, poor listening skills erupted a fight over religion on a simple Facebook status update of mine - excuse me, I have a lot of Muslim friends.
And a friend of mine telling me in person that I will get into trouble in Qatar because I will talk about anti-governmental/anti-social-value things, when I know that I am more open-minded and respect others' culture and social value more than most people I know. She was not even thinking when she said "no you are gonna say things [that are bad]".
And other stupid, racially judgmental comments that were hinted revolving where I will be working in the future.
And people who tell me not to be so crude on the internet - wash up and go to bed, don't look at my corner of the internet if it disturbs you so much.
Then I reflect finally, why is it that there are millions of intellectually inferior people to me and whose opinions are downright ignorant and... incorrect, and yet they have so much pride in their opinion, while I am like a little sheep that timidly and gently listens to them and do not show opposition nor objection?
Because I am stupid.
I am a fool, the most intellectually inferior person in this world, who has no defense mechanism that even newborn babies do.
I am nice to everyone. I stand for nothing, so I fall for EVERYTHING.
But that's ok. Because I realized that the fact I am nice to and accepting of everyone is not a weakness.
It's a powerful strength that judgmental, close-minded, ignorant people do not have.
Keep up the anger or hate. I am ready to listen.
And I am ready to express my mind to the fullest on my corner of the internet all the same.
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