As having mentioned many times in my past blogs about my lack of consistency and routine and perseverance, also I'd forgotten to mention that I have not had the organizational skills, courage nor wit to go out and venture something seriously on my own ever. It always seemed everything that was going on revolved around slouching at home, most of the times mindlessly doing nothing, parents hovering over there and not there, never having thought what real "freedom to do" meant, what it meant for myself to dare go out and decide that I'm going to go on a trip by myself or with friends today, or really, do anything that was broadly out of reach that was not the usual butt-sitting-at-home usual thing that Asian kids did.
I remember the first time I took a fingernail size of freedom was I decided to buy online on the internet on Ebay, a Yoshi and Egg, without someone nodding a yes and given permission.
Well, I've taken on a new term this winter. I was a self-conscious kid growing up, afraid of people judging me when I went into Sportchek, as I did not do any sport in particular nor am I in general athletic. I've wondered if people will think that only the athletic and sports-jocks are deserving to be going to sports apparel stores and buying athletic apparels because they actually do and deserves (and knows how to) use them.
You know that mentality? when you certainly think that one should not do nor show at all because they are not good and can't do.
For me that cowardice was especially apparent in my desire to be athletic but too untalented, but almost exclusively due to laziness and lacking in consistency to actually be.
An identity crisis, almost. That when they point to me I could not associate myself with anything that has been a life long doing and my area of expertise.
I remember back in high school I have no idea how to dress trendily, I was always in a Adidas Sweatshirt or a Nike zip-up hoodie and running pants every school day. I did not mean to dress sportily, the truth was that I was introduced to the store called Winners in grade 9 which sells brandname quality stuff at an affordable price, and I find sport-ish style clothing comfortable, and I don't know how to dress without looking like a short third-world hobo before that.
But I remember the certain mentality that I had at that time, that sprung forward to me in a sudden, that what if people simply commented sometime that "Tappy always dresses in sports clothing", "oh but she's not that good in gym class" - my most confidence (having none) crushing fear.
Now to give myself a pat on the back, I've taken on a little more dab of freedom this year. From going on 2 first-ever (heh heh dunno if that makes sense) friends-only trips, to Algonquin and to Mont Tremblant. I've also gotten myself into the hobby/sport of skiing. =D
Above features my loot this winter! I felt the power and freedom to drive myself to the local ski hill (skiing at discount of course) whenever I wanted because I felt like skiing and improving.
I've skied as a luxury school trip back in grade 7 at Barrie (pretty sure it was Horseshoe before, but don't think it is now, I think it might've been Snow Valley). I went to Glen Eden ($20 on weekdays), Chicopee ($10 March Break), Tremblant (Costco rental package, at the time I didn't have my own skis), Horseshoe Valley ($29 night ski, $39 cross-country rental + ski, $20 Tubing), and Brimacombe (Oshawa, they have weekdays $22 in March but I went on a weekend, so more expensive) this year. That's a lot of ski hills (for me) to explore in two month =D.
I've always found skiing fun, but for me it was like "golf" kind of luxury sport that only rich people did, and for people like me I felt it was a luxury showoff. I was surprised at how "casual sport" it can actually be!
Skiing for me was a very technical, skill-learning, almost gymnastics like - DDR LIKE! Kind of "acrobatic" sport, which I really enjoy. And knowing how to ski (and convincing myself that I learnt to ski pretty fast) has really boosted my self-esteem a lot, and maybe, it's one of the things that's helping me gain real self-esteem!
(A skiing video of me, courtesy of Jason, is coming up right here featuring me at Chicopee-I've improved more beyond that)
At the start of Winter, I could not properly fit a skiboot, and took break every 40 seconds going down bunny-level/green hill. As of my last ski this year before Cuba, I can ski a black diamond safely now!
Like Sportchek's motto, be active, and it truly makes me feel better, in the mind, confidence and happiness-wise, more than anything. Be gone, pretentious pride! Leap forth, confidence and freedom!
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