Been 5 weeks since I last posted.
Getting accustomed to Port Hope environment, the school TCS, and the cool roommates and colleagues. I'm now just waiting for spring to come so the campus and town starts to look green and nice and I can actually go for walks around the town, when I'm not worked to death until 10:00pm at night.
I had tried to stay in Port Hope for a weekend, but most of that weekend was spent on sleeping through or trying to get the front door open because the snow has accumulated to my knees, and since my roommates had all gone home, it was boring to say the least.
They say if you want to be great, you have to be able to stand being lonely. Not lonely in the essence that you are literally left with nothing to do- but that you are occupied and so busy with matters that you have no time to lament for loneliness.
So what do you call people when they have stuff that needs to be done, yet they are procrastinating not doing them and instead mourns about how lonely they feel and how emptily their time has gone by?
Losers I guess.
I can't remember a time in my childhood when I learned about discipline and commitment. My parents were alternating being away for schooling growing up, until we came to Canada when I was 10.
Remembering back, I had always been sporadically playing, when dad was home and felt like taking me and cousin (friends) to the park to swim or frolic in the snow. Sometimes, when we get McDonald's coupons, and shortly before expiration, dad would bike me to McDonald's and those were great, exciting times. There were many times of unplanned excitement, but there was not a routined commitment to do something together, whether it be study related, fun, or sport.
Persistence. Something I did not learn in my childhood.
Desire for attention. Something I hardcore captured in my childhood. I crave for friends to play with.
My friend Wenzhi and her dad goes to play badminton every Saturday, almost regardless of anything. And coming to think of that, I sort of envy the kind of time of togetherness. My parents would never have the organization and spirit and commitment for this kind of activity.
When I was small, I lived at my buddy Suizhun's family, and almost every night, the family would go out for walks and/or come back for a time of short family card game/board game-something else my family would never have-routine.
Security. I wondered if this is how a child learns to be secure and loving, from the consistent action and support of their parents and surroundings.
Oblivion. My mother is an extremely oblivious human being, not necessarily in a bad way. But she is always in her own world, an impenetrable wall formed from lack-of-thought and lack-of-attention-to-detail. I tell her this, she does not understand.
Stubborn. My father is your typical secluded, stubborn North-Eastern Chinese man, whose resistance to change and judgement for the outside world is so strong that nothing will make him rethink possibly living a more organized, healthy/active, and get into a community lifestyle.
I'm often told that I treat people well, and moreover, I treat people outside of my family better than I do family, and that I am easily dragged around by anyone who will play with me.
It's true. Because my family had not made an effort to give me what I need, emotional understanding and security. But rather, from hanging out with friends and the times of joy that I crave so hard for, I have gotten these. No wonder I make every effort I can so there's people to play with me. So that I'm not lonely. Sounds kind of pathetic doesn't it.
Not all only child crave for attention in this way.
This is your typical NEGLECTED only child syndrome.
Therefore, one thing I do know when I have children, I will make effort to spend quality time with them and let them know that I am always here when they need someone-not just physically and financially, but more so, emotionally.
My avoidant personality is long formed, and really, no one is to blame for that. To back it up with optimism, I must take what I have and make the most out of it - I need diligence, persistence, ambition, vision, and unstoppable drive for success, in many aspects of my future.
Hence the best things I can do now to not feel lonely, is occupy up my time with things that I need to do-work stuff, mathematics, exercise, playing games, write some code, playing instrument, think about potential projects, and take joy in doing them, and grow and learn from them.
Happy Chinese New Year everyone. I hope that you take much pleasure in having a racey and fulfilling year like the racing horse.
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