Post Type: Short Excerpt
Since this post marks my 50th post, I will write something thorough about myself.
In short - I have been in a quarter life crisis as I began to feel uncertain about my single-minded pursuit of being a high school teacher.
This term probably set a record for the number of introspective, depressive talks I have had with some close friends. Often times, I find many of us struggling to find a career that is fulfilling, their life's calling, uses their strengths, and they can tolerate, pride-wise. If you had met me back in grade 11, you would've thought Tappy was a lucky kid who knew exactly what she wanted that satisfied all of the above, she knew she wanted to be a high school teacher since she was some teenager. So what the hell happened?
Passion, drive, do things for the world, big dreams. All the teenage words that are so naive in front of reality - and no I am not talking about financial reality, I am an only child and I have my parents' financial backing for as long as I need to.
They were hit down somewhat by some reality that I have observed through my past experiences.
Lessons from mentors:
Maybe it was meant to be that life gives youngsters like me, who had a skewed, surreally optimistic view of the world a dose of reality.
My enthusiasm has definitely dampened through my various teaching experiences, with mediocre influences from some of my mentors. The reality that these established professionals give out:
The teaching profession - it's just another job. It's not a ground where dreams flourish and the best teacher can change the world. For many people, it's a job that is somewhat repetitive, requires increasingly less effort, and gives them time to pursue something else they enjoy with a lot of spare time. Want power? climb the darker administrative, political ladder.
Hypocrisy - I think this is prevalent in all of us as human beings. Many people are unhappy with themselves that they are sometimes hypocrites. Certainly this exists in the teaching, teachers say one thing, and outside of the jobs they act another way. They present to student how open-minded and accepting of others they themselves are. Yet their true personalities and actions do not tell the same story.
Arrogance: An exaggerated, unsatisfied ego - As I said in my previous post, I have had some mentors who seem to be in it to show-off, to gain self-gratification about being helpful, and/or think that they hold grander potential that were not exercised in the job, and always needing to find an audience to express how smart they are to fill up some unsatisfied ego.
Happiness + Upbeat = Ignorance - This is sadly the truth of a good amount of the happy people I know. I think they are wonderful people, so nice and kind and it's so much fun being around them. But in-tuneness with the fast-moving industry? Scope of knowledge? Career advice? Emotional empathy? A little harder to get out of them.
Dunning-Kruger Syndrome - I am so terrified of happily trapped in a small bubble that I stop growing - stop challenging myself. I stop researching real-world information, I lose touch with the real world, because I am in a position of authority, security and ultimately, telling things to young people, that I lose the desire to remain connected to the ever-improving reality and stop improving. I start to feel proud, and stop feeling my own diminuitiveness.
You may say that maybe I'm just not meeting the right people.
But there were good things too.
I have definitely met mentors that were like the sun to me. Bright, wise, and lights up my world instantaneously. Their kindness and optimism is enduring in my life, despite sometimes the hopes gets brought down by sequences of less fortunate events to follow almost immediately.
Ultimately, if I were to summarize these great mentors, they all had humility.
Humility - They know their limitations, because they have earned their current lifestyle not through given but through hardwork. Most of the best mentors have endeavoured other things in their life, or are currently in the pursuit of a passion in life. Some of them struggled through multiple facets of life, some of them were academic scholars previously, and knows the limitations of their intelligence, some are actively engaged in a competitive sport, some were previous industry professionals so they've seen the big world and knows its treachery and our limitations as people. In fact, most of these people who have great humility were those who have achieved great heights in their previous professional pursuits. They've seen a bigger world, with huge talents and competition, and had come to terms and found inner peace within themselves. As a result, they've become humble, and accepting, of others' mistakes, because they have had those experiences. These people are perceptive and observant. They see the world with an open-mind and do not let vacuous pride rush over their head.
It is no wonder these people are kinder people and wiser teachers.
How do I become an effective mentor to future students, if I am too ignorant to empathize with their experiences? How can someone not be ignorant if they are not perceptive? How can I tell my students with proper life wisdom if I have not pushed myself to the limit of my intellectual boundary before? How can someone be accepting of all if their world was filled with a small homogeneous collection of desirable things?
My experiences and my world have been so small, almost confined. Therefore I don't think of myself as a qualified teacher, to be giving academic and more importantly, life lessons to young people who are soaking up knowledge like sponge.
Thus I became unsure of my career choice - because I feel unqualified, and have nothing to offer.
So what must I do - don't start until I am completely ready and have experienced sufficient amount of things in my life that I feel I can make a substantial contribution? When is "completely ready"? In fact, should there even be a date of "completely ready" if I follow the philosophy of learning continuum that I so deeply believe?
Just when is "wise enough"? and how wise is wise enough?
I am not sure, and I don't know when I will be sure again. (Yes when I was young and naive I was secure and confident, and that died with knowledge)
But I have not stopped searching for answers.
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