As a consistent underachiever and lazy slacker with a lousy attitude for the previous 20 years of my life, I decided to work harder this term.
In the first half of this term, this really has worked out. But since I have consistently slacked so hard and have never been feet on solid ground, I am short of inner confidence.
After a series of extremely frustrating midterms- for once! for once! on a coding type course CS midterm, extremely easy, I thought it was so simple and easy and could've gotten 90- I made giant careless mistakes-that cost me a final 75.
Because I was insecure.
I spent the last 3 days being very unproductive and frustrating over my poor performance, more so myself. I was so unproductive that I was at a mind-block- unable to do anything with full attention and focus.
Regretting so hard. Some times I think if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can relive last week over again - delusional? I think many people have been there, like me.
As I am writing now, I realized I am missing my psych survey.
As someone who is naturally inconsistent and has been hi-low often, I find that trauma after putting in effort, and still not getting return on my investment of effort is extremely demolishing to my inner confidence, which I already have very little of.
I am not someone who is like some of my friends- hardworking, organized and consistent, therefore have the confidence in themselves. I am trying to build this delicately and my own crappy performance on this series of midterms have just been tearing out that little shrub that just started growing.
But I think I've seen it through now.
After some mind adjustment and a talk with my TA, I have come to recognize the importance of disappointment and not to be discouraged by frequent disappointment. But instead, extract the essence of what I have to learn from the disappointment and look optimistically into the future. One way to do this is cut the thread, and start today as if I am starting afresh again, just like how I was at the beginning of the term. It's never too late to start doing better for the future-I just have to convince myself hard enough that my heart will actually believe it.
I was insecure-when I complained and was frustrated that the marks-what other people judge me based on-does not reflect my ability. The TA has said marks reflect your inner state- and looking at my tests: careless, rushed through, jumpiness of thoughts and not thought into the depth as I normally would- This really is my inner state. Maybe for the whole time. And if I adjust my outlooks on life, adjust my own sense of insecurity, change my attitude without thinking about what I don't have to do, what I don't have to work hard for to get a good grade or who is smarter and who is not, and most of all, overcome my fear and procrastination for being challenged beyond my capability. Then maybe my performance during stressful times will start to reflect that change, which I'm hoping to be, is, solid, hardworking, fearless and does the best to my ability.
Lastly, I think I will hang a large poster of the chameleon on my wall-no worry, no fear, always hanging there, in tune with nature.
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